


(Don't) Look at Me

by holdmymilktea



Category: Dreamcatcher (Korea Band)
Genre: Dating Scandal, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-14
Updated: 2020-04-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 00:54:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22725010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holdmymilktea/pseuds/holdmymilktea
Summary: SuA is a famous singer, Siyeon is her vocal trainer. She doesn’t want anyone else to look at her, but Siyeon. However, as rumors around their ambiguous relationship arise, she's forced to acknowledge that's not her choice to make.
Relationships: Kim Bora | SuA/Lee Siyeon
Comments: 18
Kudos: 126





	1. Tu me regardes

**Author's Note:**

> This has already been posted on AFF, but I know some read only on here so here it is. This is a song-inspired two-shot, I hope you enjoy the read :)
> 
> T/W: slight mentions of homophobia

Eyes are the mirror of the soul. It’s a common saying and Bora understands it easily. They convey a lot of emotions: happiness, distress, anticipation, sympathy, concern, relief, hate, love, safety. Rather than words which are mere translations of an abstract state of feelings, eyes demonstrate it. Eyelids closing in disbelief, corners lifting slightly with happiness, pupils dilating with desire. How you look at someone can help you when words or actions fail you or betray you when you least expect it.

Gazes, glances, stares, looks.

They are a language of their own, one that Bora and Siyeon speak fluently.

Unfortunately, Bora doesn’t need to meet the public eye directly to know how they look at them.

* * *

_‘[BREAKING] Solo artist SuA caught up in scandal regarding alleged relationship with vocal trainer’_

_‘Compromising pictures stir up controversy about solo singer SuA a few days before comeback’_

_‘Troubling pictures and past SNS posts raise questions regarding solo artist SuA’s relationship with singer Kim Wonpil'_

_‘Solo artist SuA caught up in controversy after pictures released on SNS’_

The list goes on but the essence is the same. Newspapers and social networks are on fire with clickbait content and it doesn’t seem like it’ll stop any time soon. She tosses her phone on the table before letting herself plump back into the chair, shifting to find a comfortable position. She doesn’t need to see more of this bullshit. She messed up big time on this one, she'd almost deserve a standing ovation.

Next to her in the small meeting room, her manager paces around with a stern expression, visibly infuriated from the way his eyebrows are arched downwards, scrolling down on his own feed to check news statements.

“They keep talking about compromising evidence when all they really have is blurry pictures and assumptions.” He groans, then throws his phone on the couch. “This is not the kind of hype we need when your comeback is days ahead. I’m always impressed with the nonsense they can come up with so fast.”

Fast, that was the word. Pictures had just surfaced online a few hours earlier that journalists were already flooding the entrance of the company building hoping to catch a glimpse of her, or better, hastily record a few words. Not that she’d ever give them that pleasure, she thinks as she watches the crowd through the windows, spreading slightly the curtains so she doesn’t get caught by the cameras while doing so.

“The CEO asked us to stick to schedule, so you staying home till the comeback is out of the question. We’ll deny the rumours and proceed normally.” Her manager explains, sitting at the table in front of Bora. “But we also asked Siyeon not to come today, for obvious reasons. We’re calling our other coaches to see if they’re available. For now, vocal practice is postponed.”

“Can’t I just go to Siyeon’s place instead?” She suggests, more because she needs to see the woman and see how she’s faring with this situation than actually follow schedule. Of course, her manager knows what she’s up to and doesn't’ seem pleased with the proposition.

“Are you out of your mind? The last thing we need right now is to feed those sharks.”

“They don’t know her address. But they know mine and they’re already waiting downstairs, annoying the hell out of every single person who dare cross the door of the company. And for me as well. I don’t think I can keep my sanity knowing they’re all after me. We can just sneak out the building and pow! I disappear.”

He lets out a long sigh, massaging his temple as he considers her arguments. Trying to escape could be seen as cowardice but at the same time, having Bora confront the journalists herself would be giving too much importance to the matter.

“I know you just want to see her. You don’t care about the rest, do you?”

On the contrary. She cares, a lot. She’s worked so hard ever since she was a teenager, spent hours practicing through the night to overcome the looming doubt of not being talented enough to make it, voluntarily depriving herself from a normal life, all to become SuA, a renown solo artist who sweeps the chart at every comeback. Well, maybe not this one, she muses bitterly.

But how else is she supposed to react? A huge part of the job is not to let emotions through, and that’s precisely what she intends to do.

“I must act as if it doesn’t affect me, anyway,’ she shrugs. “And if I lose my career over this, I’ll only have my family and my friends left. I’m only human.”

The thought is unsettling for sure, having everything she’s strived for ripped from her in an instant. Of course, she’s thought about her life after she retires from the idol life, when only loyal fans will remember her and maybe, listen to her songs once in a while, driven by nostalgia and the memory of past times. She’s okay with that. Having recently reached what she thinks is the peak of her career, it’s something she thinks about often. It will happen, it is foolish to think otherwise, but in her mind it happens progressively, naturally, giving her time to adjust.

Not suddenly and because of… this.

“I know you care, I’m sorry.”

He closes his eyes and thinks about it for a few more seconds. They’ve known each other for a long time, but he’s been in business for far more than she has and has probably seen his fair share of fallen artists be forgotten. She hopes it doesn’t go as far as that, but she might lose a lot of support. For once, she just wants do do what she wants and seek the comfort of a friend.

He finally raises his head, resolute, grabs his laptop and starts typing.

“I’ll arrange something, just give me a few hours.”

* * *

To say that dance practice is a nightmare is an understatement, she thinks as she lies on the floor, arms and legs spread out like she’s floating on water. She can execute the movements perfectly, having long being carved into her memory, it’s not a problem, far from that. Heck, she’s the one who choreographed the routine. Her steps are precise, sharp even, but she isn’t satisfied. Her heart just isn’t there, her erratic thoughts undermining all the fun and passion she usually feels when she dances.

Right now, she wishes Siyeon would just swing by between two of her lessons just to tell her some encouraging words that makes her forget she’s tired, or tease her by saying how Bora looks at her through the mirror instead of focusing on how she wants to deliver her performance, or bring her a drink and remind her that hydration is the first step to a healthy body and thus, voice.

Anything.

The practice room is full of Siyeon even though she’s alone with the music and she thinks she’s finally gone crazy because it really feels like the woman is looking at her, when she's not even in the building. When she closes her eyes, she tries to imagine a life where no one would bother them. Maybe they should just elope to a deserted island together, if Siyeon wants to, of course. That doesn't sound too bad, they could just bring whatever they needed and live a sweeter life.

Thankfully, her suffering is cut short when her manager enters the room, a duffle bag slung on his shoulder.

“Get up, we’re leaving in ten.”

This is enough to give her a sudden burst of energy. She swiftly gets up and runs towards the shower rooms and ten minutes after, she meets with her manager, a new set of clothes on, in the parking lot of the company. She makes her way towards the car she usually rides on but her manager is quick to stop her.

“Don’t bother, we’re gonna get spotted right away with this one.” He turns around, lifting car keys towards a smaller vehicle. “We’re taking my car.”

That may have been the reason why he needed time.

“Wouldn’t see you as the type to own that kind of car, honestly.” She says as she opens the rear door.

With its round forms, bright red color and overall cute appearance, the vehicle seemed more fitted for a young female or a newly wed couple, quite the opposite of her manager used to drive black vans and black sedans for work and regularly gushing over sports cars.

“That’s precisely why. The best quality of a manager is their discretion.” He adjusts his cap before opening the bag he brought with him and hands the content to Bora. “Bless tinted windows, but you can never be too careful. Cover yourself when we exit.”

She looks at her right at the black blanket that lies on the seat. She puts on the glasses and pulls down on the hat just before they reach the surface. Thankfully, her hair is not extravagant this comeback or she would have needed a wig to complete the disguise.

Panic rises when she spots a few journalists waiting at the parking exit, right in the middle of the road so they can see through the windshield, where the tint is the lightest. She ducks just in time for them not to notice her, pulling the blanket over her body so that they only see an indistinct dark mass at the back. Her stomach hits the middle separation in the process and she winces in pain.

Soon after, her phones goes off and she immediately answers the call. As soon as the whole drama started she has set it so that only her family, her manager, Wonpil or Siyeon can reach her, so she doesn’t bother checking the id, it’s necessarily someone she’d be willing to talk to right now, even considering the lack of comfort of her position.

“ _Hey._ ”

The warm and gentle voice of Wonpil greets her.

“Hey.”

“ _I just saw,_ ” he says without further elaboration. “ _How are you doing?_ ”

“Rethinking my entire life decisions hiding on the floor at the rear of a car. Mayhaps I have a broken rib.”

“ _Ah, I see._ ” He chuckles. “ _As long as you’re not in the trunk, I guess that means there’s still hope for you then, you’re not being abducted._ ” He then switches back to a more concerned tone. “ _Should I be worried for you?_ ”

Bora notices the car runs steadily now so she risks popping her head out of the blanket. Out the windows, there’s only the sky and buildings so she finally seats properly and puts on her seatbelt. At the front, her manager gives her an ‘OK’ sign to tell her they made it out safely.

“Well, you know you’d be the first one to know if I ever cheated on you, so not on that part. I still have principles. But,” she trails off, “your name might be associated with a lesbian cheater who’s so useless she hasn’t even actually done anything worth a scandal, so maybe?” She tries to say it playfully but fails miserably as her words choose this exact moment to get caught in her throat. On the other side of the line, Wonpil patiently waits for her to continue.

“I’m scared.” She lets out quietly, eyes closed, after she regains control of her emotions. There is a lot on her mind but this is the only thing that she manages to get out.

“ _Shhh, shhh._ ”

His voice is soothing and reassuring but not enough to make her feel safe.

“ _They’ve got nothing on you, it’s just rumors… Things can only go forward for now. Let’s see how and then assess the situation. Good thing is - if I dare say, is that since nothing actually happened, our agencies can have our backs. I’m on your side, remember? It's gonna be alright._ ”

It still manages to make her forget briefly about what she’s escaping.

“Why are you so perfect?”

“ _If I were, you’d be in love with me and not with Miss ‘_ omg she’s a literal goddess _’ Lee._ ” He teases.

“Ugh, I take that back, you’re annoying.”

“ _Your words, not mine._ ” He reminds her. It does sound like something she would say. “ _You said you were in a car. Where are you going?_ ”

“To Siyeon’s. Show must go on and all that jazz.”

“ _Good, good. That’s the spirit. Don’t let them bring you down, that’s what they want._ ” He stops talking briefly and she hears muffled voices in the background. He took the time to call when he must be at work. “ _Listen, I’m sorry I also gotta go back to practice, but if you need me later, just call, okay? You don’t have to go through this alone._ ”

She can’t see him but she can perfectly picture the pout on his face. Maybe he’s right, in an alternate universe, Kim Bora would love Kim Wonpil, Kim Wonpil would love Kim Bora, and none of this would have ever happened.

“Thanks, I’ll text you.”

In this one though, she only has eyes for Lee Siyeon.

* * *

"Why aren't you married?"

Bora's question is the 'in your face' type of question, random, raw and almost insensitive yet void of any judgement. A passing thought that doesn’t require an answer, even. With how long they’ve known each other, she genuinely considers the man as a friend. That’s why she doesn’t really bother. Diplomacy usually is one of her most daily needed skill, but her state of mind isn't quite right at the moment for filters and appropriate wording.

Her manager thinks about it for a second, and if he is put off by the way she asked, he doesn't show it. His eyes remain focused on the road.

"I work too much, always dragging people around Seoul at ungodly hours. When would I even date?"

That sounds like an excuse because even Bora manages to 'date', even if her definition of the word might be biased given her occupation. She thinks of her and Wonpil and how she still enjoys the time they spend together, but maybe things are different when one lives a normal life.

"You're giving too much of yourself to work then. Look at you, you could have just told me to stay at the company. It's not like I have to see Siyeon to practice."

Truth is, she doesn't think a lot of the managers would have even heard her request. They would have complied to orders from the top management because well, that was the most logical decision and they were afraid of losing their job. That makes her curious.

"I know... but I kind of get attached to you guys." He says a bit embarrassed, a nervous laugh escaping his lips. "When I go home or on my days off, work is over, but for you idols it isn't completely. At home, you’d be catching up on popular trends, prepare special skills or whatever. Even a relaxing activity would be worth mentioning later in a live. Outside, you might get recognized, you must be careful of what you do at all times… You're the ones giving way too much of yourselves, that can’t be healthy.”

It reminds her of something Siyeon told her when they met. While she doesn't want to be charity work for others to pity, and even more since she does enjoy being a singer, it's nice to have people acknowledging your struggles. That’s probably the most she can ask for.

“Your case is even more difficult, you don't have group members with you at the end of the day to support you. How strong must you be to carry all this burdensome shit on your shoulders? You're admirable. You deserve to be happy, so if I can be of any help in that, I'll be happy to do so. I'd like to be able to do more, but for now I can't."

He pauses for a second, and quickly meets her eyes, understanding flashing on his face.

"I know you don't have to see her, but you really look like you need a break."

“Not gonna lie… It’s been a long day,” she says.

Even walking around the company is exhausting when everyone seems to be talking about what happened and turn their head in your direction when you pass by, another reason why struggling in the practice room alone had seemed a nice option earlier.

They finally reach Siyeon’s place after a while. As expected, not a camera, not a soul in sight waiting for them, making them both sigh in relief. Bora quickly grabs her her things and looks at her manager one last time before heading to the building entrance.

“You’re the best, you know? Please get some rest, too.”

* * *

Bora likes when things are neat and organized. She's always on time and it already occurred that she was the one yelling at her manager they had to leave this instant. That's probably why she feels overwhelmed with the events currently unfolding. She thought that a day like this would come but not like this and not right now. She isn't prepared, she doesn’t have control.

Siyeon's place is modest, which never fails to remind her that her own is way to big for one person, but a bit too messy for her taste. Every time she visits, she never fails to tidy up a bit, and her host is more than willing to let her.

It’s also a place where music is only music and not the overly decorated business she participates in. Instead of a spare room, Siyeon had a soundproof studio built with a piano and a recording system, where the woman spends a lot of her free time. She doesn't usually hold her lessons in there nowadays but earlier in her career, Siyeon has told her she taught a lot of kids of the neighborhood and she received complaints for the noise. She then argued that music isn’t noise, even if the kids may not be the next Mozart, and Bora agreed but that’s a debate for another time. With this, problem solved.

All in all, Siyeon’s place the best hideout she can escape to whenever she feels down, a little bubble separated from the world with the best company on Earth.

Somehow, she’s nervous when she knocks at the door. They have never really talked about it, preferring dancing around an issue that Bora knows is slowly but surely driving both them on the edge of sanity. Or rather, that they have endured because they can’t see a satisfying outcome, instead of trying to solve it together. There’s this nagging feeling she can’t shake off, that they won’t be able to avoid it anymore.

The first thing she notices is the relief in Siyeon’s eyes when the latter finally opens the door. Bora doesn’t hesitate and immediately lunges forward to hug the woman, throwing her arms behind the other’s neck. Siyeon responds by circling her waist and tightening their embrace even more, if that’s even possible. The pounding of their hearts in staccato makes the singer’s head spin but she still manages to hear the low voice close to her ear.

“I’m glad you’re here.”

Her breath is heavy in Siyeon’s neck, as she tries to relax. She takes in her scent, relishing that Siyeon didn’t put on perfume today, and wishes time stops so they can stay like this forever. She doesn’t break the comforting embrace even when she feels the younger woman step back a little, followed by the sound of the door closing. They remain like that, holding onto each other in the entrance of the apartment.

"How are you?" Siyeon asks after a while, finally letting go but maintaining the closeness between them.

"I… None of this feels real, like it's just a very bad dream I'm going to wake up from. But I know it's not. I'm scared to be honest, but I also know I shouldn't let this affect me, because then I would give them more reasons to make a big deal out of it?"

She’s rambling but it’s honestly difficult to express her thoughts in actual words. Siyeon casts her gaze down for a moment and nods in acknowledgement.

“It’s going to be okay,” Siyeon says and Bora wants to believe her with all of her heart.

Siyeon gives her another hug, then finally takes a step back so that she faces her properly.

 _How about you?_ The idol wants to ask, but Siyeon starts talking first.

“Have you sung today?”

Shouting? Yup. Actual singing? Nope. Bora is a bit puzzled that Siyeon still wants to go through vocal practice but maybe she just needs to let it out by singing everything away, so she just shakes her head. Might as well try to see if it doesn’t end up in the same let down of a practice she had dancing earlier.

“Let’s start with warm ups, then.”

Siyeon gives a comforting squeeze on her arm before going to sit at the piano and she follows her. The vocal trainer lifts the cover and starts playing the scales that she would have to replicate. Turning halfway on the piano stool, she searches for Bora’s eyes, silently asking if she’s ready.

“Let’s go with ‘brrr’ first. Three, four.”

Bora inspires deeply, filling her belly with air. Then, gathering strength in her abdomen, she tenses her muscles and energetically blows the air out while maintaining her mouth shut so that her lips tremble. At the same time, she sings the note Siyeon plays on the piano. From an outsider point of view, the result surely looks ridiculous, and after years of doing it Bora still can’t help but smile at the beginning of their sessions, even if the exercice is the best to warm your vocal chords quickly. But today, she’s not smiling and instead a knot sits in her stomach.

“Your breath is short today.” Siyeon comments after a few runs. “You need to relax.”

“Easy to say.”

Bora starts drawing circles with her head and swings her arms in attempts to loosen up. How could she, though? Her thoughts are still all over the place. She is in a safe place, her haven of peace, yet she is still preoccupied by the outside.

She fears for herself. The way others see her shouldn’t matter but is she strong enough to not care?

She fears for her career. What she achieved professionally is meant to fade out at some point, but she doesn’t want to let go of it just yet.

More than anything, even if the other told her everything will be okay, she fears for Siyeon. This one goes beyond words.

“It’s just the two of us here. Forget everything else.”

She doesn’t reply, because she’s too tired to repeat herself and it won’t contribute anything new anyway. Her eyes follow the arm Siyeon extends when she places the palm of her hand on her stomach. Bora curses herself for flinching at the touch. On any other day she wouldn’t have minded, secretly enjoyed it probably, but right now she hates how it makes her heart beat faster and how it still makes her hope for something when that’s the last thing that should be on her mind. Then again, there’s no one else in here...

“Let’s try again. Inhale.”

Siyeon says and Bora complies. She knows it’s for Siyeon to feel the movements of her muscles and guide her better but her senses are in complete overdrive and it only makes everything ten times worse, to the point she feels her control slip away.

“Exhale. Don’t release the tension.” Bora closes her eyes to focus on Siyeon’s voice instead of her touch and tenses her abdomen again. Finally she regains her concentration. Siyeon doesn’t need to be singing or playing the piano to make music, her speaking voice has always been a comforting melody to Bora’s ears. “Harder. You’re letting too much air out at the same time.” She follows the instructions. “That’s better.”

Siyeon removes her hand, leaving the ghost of a touch linger. When Bora open her eyes, she reads concern on the other’s face.

“I wish I didn’t have to remind you this…” Siyeon trails off while taking one of Bora’s hands in hers. She briefly casts her gaze down before looking at Bora again. That’s the second time since earlier, she notices. There’s a hint of sadness on her face that Bora desperately wants to erase. “Who are you?”

“Kim Bora,” she says, without much energy. That’s not exactly what Siyeon wants to hear however. The other woman now looks at her expectantly, so she gives in. She runs a hand through her hair, letting out a sigh before continuing.

“I’m Kim Bora, a 25-year-old independent woman who wants to improve her singing technique.”

She says it louder, a bit more confidently this time, like she did so many times before and Siyeon’s expression softens at the familiarity of the scene.

“And who’s not in this room?”

“Singer SuA, the dumbest person on Earth.”

“I’d say the baddest but that’s only how I see it.” Siyeon says with a small smile. “I’m sorry.” She averts her eyes. “I thought singing for a while would take your mind off things. It usually does...”

People keep apologizing to her, somehow, when she’s the one who should say sorry for causing so much trouble, if anything. The thought hits her hard and at this moment, Bora feels something warm slide on her cheeks.

“But today is nothing like the usual…”

Next thing she knows, she’s crying on the couch cradled in Siyeon’s arms who draws circles on her back in a soothing manner, humming. Siyeon is nested in the corner of the sofa with her back between the armrest and the backrest, legs spread apart on the seats so that Bora can curl up against her. Her facade crumbled so easily. Her eyes are stinging, her throat constricted and ugly sobs escape her mouth in a tragic complaint. The breakdown was inevitable. Every emotion she bottled up so far today, that has threatened to break out several times already, is now flowing freely, and becomes an ungracious stain dampening the fabric of Siyeon’s sweater.

How did it end up like this?

Things escalated quickly, to say the least.

Bora and Siyeon, over the course of their friendship, have always been clingy to each other. That’s something that even their colleagues have never questioned. But a while back, after an evening out just the both of them with a lot of drinking involved, Bora might have been extra clingy, letting go of her inhibitions, just enough for her to get her face dangerously close to Siyeon’s and her lips dangerously close to where it shouldn’t be.

Unfortunately, the pictures taken by the person who followed her that night were just at the right angle to cast doubt. Regardless of her own sexuality, Bora has always been supportive of all kinds of love so with a little digging on her social networks, the person managed to make up a ridiculous love affair between her and her vocal coach, supported by past posts that prove how much she was actually confessing her forbidden love to the other woman. They really wanted to bring her down given the amount of research they did, probably just waiting for her to slip up and provide the cornerstone for their made up story.

Simply preposterous, because that’s where it gets complicated.

Even if her memories of the night are blurry, Bora knows for sure they haven’t kissed. Despite how ambiguous their relationship is, that’s a line they never crossed. Because never would she forget kissing the woman she desperately yearned for.

* * *

Bora and Siyeon have known each other for roughly three years. They start off as colleagues, when Siyeon is employed right after her she graduates and SuA has been gaining a lot of attention from the public. She has some experience performing already but Siyeon’s exceptional technique makes her want to outdo herself and learn from the younger woman. It’s sane emulation, really. They look at each other with respect and admiration for their respective achievements. Well, maybe not exactly at first impression.

“It may sound like a rude request since we’ve just met, but as much as I’m honored to be here, I’d like for SuA to stay out of this room.”

What? Has she heard correctly?

“Sorry? Are you telling me to get out?”

She confusedly points out at herself, then at the door of the practice room, but seeing that the new vocal coach is merely chuckling in response puts her on the verge of flipping tables. Was she a joke to her? What she says next though, sticks to this day as a motif in their interactions.

“Not at all, relax. I would never dare. With all due respect, I only mean I want to work with Bora, the 22-year-old independent woman who wants to improve her vocal technique, not SuA, nationwide-rising idol who has her face plastered on anything people want to sell. You're older than me but we're almost the same age. Please, consider our sessions a personal ‘me’ time, it must be exhausting not being able to be yourself.”

Bora looks at her suspiciously, gauging the sincerity of her words. She has leant to remain guarded with new people, time can only tell if they don’t have malicious motives. Staff are usually friendly while professionally maintaining their distance, but never to that point. It also doesn’t help that the people she’s around on a daily basis rotate often to prevent attachment. There’s still a contract between them in the end, and even if she chose a stage name to differentiate her idol self and her average person self, the distinction is hard to maintain and off schedules, she often remains SuA. 

“What do you gain out of this?”

Siyeon doesn’t flinch at the dry question and reaffirms her statement through a confident gaze.

“A more involved student on your part, which means less pressure on mine. But if you’re the bitchy type of celebrity, which you don’t seem to be, by the way, then I’ll just deal with it. I’m here to help you, the way you need me too, after all."

Quite unexpected.

"I don't want this to be another 'get better or die' situation while keeping up with the smiley face for you. Let's just say that Bora wants to get better at singing, because she loves singing? And it makes her happy?”

“That’s an interesting concept. I’ll try.”

* * *

In the end, she doesn’t even need to. They quickly hit it off, them being close in age and their personalities quite compatible as they share the same crackhead culture are one of the many reasons. They can be analyzing vocal trills or undertones one moment then start playing rock paper scissors with their faces the next.

Yes, their faces.

They also complement and balance each other nicely. Bora is hyper but borderline a neat freak, Siyeon more laid back and borderline messy. All in all, Siyeon is easy and fun to be around, and with the loneliness of her own condition, the vocal trainer effortlessly nuzzles her way into Bora’s heart as the best friend she hasn’t had in a long time. They look at each other with confidence and affection. Or maybe something more already, but at this moment Bora is too happy to have someone to lighten up her days and refuses to see it.

"Lee Siyeeeeeeoooooon!"

Said person turns around to a wild Bora running full speed towards her in the corridors of the company, leaving a hurricane in her trail. Startled at first, the vocal coach is quick to recover and starts running as well, in the same direction as Bora. The latter is dumbfounded but keeps running.

"What the hell Siyeon?! Why are you running away? And how are you so fast?"

And who would think you can run this much inside the building without ever stopping?

"I don't know! You look like a wrecking ball right now, I'm just scared for my life! And I'm not fast, you just have short legs!"

"I'll forget you said that if you stop running away this instant!"

"No, you stop first! I don't want to die!"

"Okay, okay! I have something really important to tell you though!"

"What... is it?" Siyeon asks, trying to catch her breath, when they eventually stop running like idiots.

"I have a free day soon, we should totally go see the new Avengers movie. That’s not a question, by the way."

Thankfully, it's early enough that not a lot of people actually witness that display of craziness.

* * *

She doesn’t know exactly when it shifts, the way they look at each other, because everything with Siyeon feels so natural. She doesn’t know why a stupid text makes her happier than usual, more eager to reply instantly even though she’s about to enter the stage, lifts her spirit to a state of pure elation even before she feels the adrenaline of performing and singing her heart out to the crowd. They bring the best out of each other and that makes Siyeon a true artist. She isn’t just a vocal trainer, she’s also a painter who draws stars in Bora’s eyes. She is sure of it because she can see them reflect in the other’s brown eyes whenever she looks at her, and she finds it beautiful.

“Did you see that, Siyeon? The Sky Dome! The Sky Dome that was sold out cheered for me! I can’t believe it!”

Bora runs like a little kid towards her friend, who attended the concert and now came to see her backstage. Siyeon extends her arms so when she is close enough, she jumps to embrace her, the vocal trainer lifting her by the waist and spinning them around like it’s nothing. She puts Bora down, remains silent for a while looking at her like she’s the most significant person of her life with the most heartwarming smile, and brushes some strands of hair aside, her palm marking a break by cupping her cheek.

“I’m so proud of you. And perfect vocals all along, nothing to say on that.”

“Next step is the Olympic Stadium!”

“That’s always been your dream, right? I'm sure you'll get there soon.”

* * *

They share more intimate moments, those you never talk about with anybody else because they’re simply so precious that you want to keep them to yourself. It’s her strength, the memory that will automatically make her heart swell and the edge of her lips rise in a candid smile, the thought that she tenderly recalls at night before escaping to dreamland.

“You know… these days I’ve been composing a lot.”

It’s winter, the smell of tangerine and hot chocolate perfumes the room. It's oddly reminiscent of home, but Bora doesn't know if it's the atmosphere, the company or both. They’re lying on their side facing each other, propped on an elbow on the floor of Siyeon’s place to enjoy the warmth from the ondol as much as possible. Bora, who has been distracted for the past five minutes by how she feels so lucky to have Siyeon by her side, is drawn out of her reverie.

“How do you feel about it?”

For months now, Bora has been encouraging the aspiring composer to propose her songs to their company, giving feedback or suggesting songs that could inspire her. Siyeon has an exceptional voice, flawless skills, and an outstanding sense of musicality. The singer is even convinced she could also make it as a solo artist, or as vocals for a band. She knows the woman sometimes perform in the city, but her talent needs more recognition and promotion. Plus, what’s the point of working in an entertainment agency if you didn’t have the perk to talk directly to the right persons? At least for them to listen to her work. Though for now, it remains Siyeon’s secret garden; she’s not confident with what she creates, and she makes it a point to stay away from the limelight.

“I’m actually satisfied?”

For a second, Siyeon stops looking at her to reach for the drink next to her, and Bora finds herself fascinated by the details of Siyeon’s face. From how her brown locks sharply frame her face to how her lips tentatively dips in the beverage, making sure it’s cooled down enough to not get burnt. She finally takes a sip, letting out a contented sigh after she puts the cup down again. They’re at a reasonable distance from each other, but if Bora would just shift a little closer...

“I feel like it’s getting somewhere, you know?”

She is spacing out again, not good.

“Can I listen?”

“Hmm… maybe not this one yet, it’s still a draft,” she says pensively and Bora pouts in response.

“I’m sure it’s wonderful if you’re the one who wrote it.”

“Come on, you're gonna make me blush…" Siyeon dismisses with a wave of the hand. "But I have a more polished one that fits better the season. This other is too dark for a cozy day like this.” She chuckles. “Can you get up, though? We need to reach the piano.”

The reply is an unbothered shake of the head.

“Carry me, my legs are too sore from practice.”

“Ugh, what am I gonna do with you, really… You’re so whiny.”

“But you love me, right?”

Siyeon answers a beat too late, Bora notices.

“Right, and you should consider yourself lucky for that.”

She pinches Bora’s cheek to mess with her, which earns her a satisfying annoyed groan, before sitting up and crouching next to her, offering her back. “Get on.”

Bora looks at her with confusion written on her face.

“I don’t think I can lift you when like that, sorry, but I can carry you on my back.”

“Are you calling me fat?”

“I’m only calling myself weak, of course.”

Siyeon's song and rendition are heavenly, and she really feels special that she is the first and only person to hear her self-composed songs.

* * *

At that point, Bora knows she’s already playing a dangerous game, but as she said earlier she has a knack for stupid moves. The thought has been running from her mind for a while already, but trying to delude herself that what she feels for her friend is purely friendly affection caused out of loneliness and not attraction, she jumps on the bandwagon of dating. ‘Jumping’ may be a strong word, the beginnings of her relationship with Wonpil are only experimental and wobbly, but on the moment that’s how it feels like. They meet through a mutual acquaintance, a relatively not exciting way of meeting someone, but their jobs are already covering that part. The triviality of normalcy doesn’t bother them, on the contrary. They both agree that they should take things slow and see where it leads them.

Wonpil is a singer and keyboardist in the band group Day6 and honestly, he has all the qualities to charm her. He is respectful with others, well-behaved and handsome with a killer smile. They can talk endlessly about music without feeling like it’s work-related. He has a dashing style that suits him well but easily breaks out of this persona to leave space for his cute personality. Their relationship is comfortable and easy, they don’t have the time and energy to set goals or make it perfect, so they get to know each other one step at a the time without labeling anything. But maybe she can learn to like him, Bora thinks.

“I think we have a problem.”

Bora has her eyes locked on the pictures shown on her phone screen. She and Wonpil were watching a movie together at Bora’s place after cooking dinner but her phone hasn’t stopped going off for the past five minutes, forcing her to remove her head from his shoulder to at least check what the fuss is about before muting the device for good.

“What is it?”

She keeps scrolling down. Just how many did they take?

“You know those Dispatch New Year idol dating reveals? Guess who’s on this year?”

Wonpil turns his head to the phone as well and pales when he sees stolen pictures of them.

“Oh shit.”

As it turns out, they don’t need to label things because the public eye does it for them instead so, together, they go through their first dating scandal, only a month or two after they start seeing each other. Quickly enough and without consulting them, their companies confirm the news to pacify speculations, or rather feign surprise then confirm because the move isn’t an innocent and careless one. She doesn’t really remember what other scandal they are actually covering up for but the decoy strategy works.

Most fans are ecstatic at the unexpected announcement, a lot are hateful still, which isn’t a surprise. What is, however, is that people seem to hate more on Wonpil for using Bora’s fame for his own profit, when in reality, if anything, Bora feels like she’s the one using Wonpil to blur even more her troubled thoughts. Officially, the couple remains discreet about it and doesn’t interact more than necessary when they run into each other at music shows for official schedules. Somehow, it helps criticism die down and everybody moves on.

* * *

Her time with Siyeon isn’t impacted that much, since Wonpil’s schedule is as packed as hers and it isn't like she meets the vocal trainer outside of vocal practice that often.

They don't really talk about him. Maybe through an unspoken understanding of what is at stake, Siyeon doesn't ask and Bora doesn't bring it up. Maybe to protect the moments they share together. Maybe for the sake of appearances. Maybe out of hurt.

At first, Bora sees faint hints of pain in her eyes, but when Bora asks her, Siyeon dismisses it by saying she’s been frustrated with how her composing has been going. Then she has some trouble falling asleep at night, making her out of focus at times during lessons, all of it without revealing what keeps her awake. It lasts for a while, they even fight about it and Bora wants to forget it isn't her most glorious moment, wishing she handled the situation differently. Eventually, they work it out and goofy Siyeon is back soon after. Coincidentally, it happens after Bora admits she isn’t really dating Wonpil.

Because in the end, she plays with the king, but the queen is the one who takes her heart.

Even before the scandal breaks out, it is clear to Bora and Wonpil that the only way they’ll ever like each other is as close friends, much alike to siblings, to which they can share about their joys and struggles. That's what make them stay together, so to speak. To avoid further media turmoil, and maybe for the companionship. Not quite together, but not alone either. It does fill an empty space in her heart, but there’s still a gaping hole in it.

As for Bora, it makes her realize completely that the one making her heart skip a beat is her beautiful vocal trainer slash best-friend. The difference with before is that she acknowledges her hopeless infatuation the younger woman and the fact it is most certainly returned. It may seem very selfish to assume what Siyeon’s true feelings are, but when she thinks back on the dynamics of their interactions, her mind brings her without fail to some questionable moments she doesn’t find friendly explanations to.

What can she do, though, when she's seen what announcing dating a man meant publicly? For sure, the issue wouldn't die down as fast, if it ever does. She often thinks about what would happen if word ever got out. In a society that remained very conservative, how many fans would turn their back? Would the company even keep her? What will she do if it doesn’t?

Which leads to another crucial question…

Will Siyeon be by her side then?

She makes up scenarios in her mind, trying to imagine a life where she gives up on SuA, another where things remain the same, another where she conciles both her love for Siyeon and her life as an artist, another where Siyeon is fed up by her indecisiveness and leaves, another where Korea suddenly miraculously wakes up to open mentalities, and another one, and another one.

In her bed at night, she dreams of dreaming. Sometimes, Siyeon visits her, her face covered by the darkness, but the fall is even harder when she understands it’s only the product of her imagination that makes her reach for air.

* * *

Wonpil is trustworthy and deserves an explanation, so, after nights of turning and tossing around debating whether she should or not, she tells him. Rather, she needs to tell him. How confused she’s been and how scared she actually is to reveal for the first time this secret she’s been hiding even to herself.

“I’m sorry,” she still feels the need to add when she finishes her monologue.

Wonpil blinks, still trying to process everything Bora’s just said. On the other side of the table, the silence makes her panic, heart pounding wildly in her chest and anxiety rising in the pit of her stomach. She starts rumbling.

“I knew this was a bad idea. Oh my god, I should never have told you. I’ll just go. Please forget everything.”

She reaches for her bag, then gets up. She is stopped midway by a hand on her own.

“No, stay. It’s okay… Hey, please, look at me. It’s okay. Nothing changes.”

She finally looks his way and she’s met with a pained expression that mirrors hers.

“I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for you to keep this secret. You know, even in our world, it's more common that you'd think, but no one talks about it... " He trails off. "Still, thank you for trusting me and telling me. I guess, I’m still hurt that there was no chance for us at all since the beginning, but well… We already knew it wouldn’t work anyway but we’re still friends at least?”

“Sometimes I wish it were you I like.”

“Don’t say that.”

When it hurts this much to like Siyeon, yes, it’s a thought that crosses her mind. When Wonpil accepts her however, she starts feeling okay with herself. He also doesn’t mind staying in their fake relationship just like before, at least until either of them wants to end it. The second person who knows is her manager, perceptive and discreet as ever, who doesn’t really ask and to whom she doesn’t really explicitly reply. She knows that he knows and he knows that she knows.

From there, she just accepts her fate.

* * *

Siyeon is at the piano as usual. When Bora enters the practice room, the vocal trainer is playing a familiar song, gently swaying to the rhythm and feel of the piece as her hands dance light as a feather on the keys. Her arrangement makes the song more carefree unlike the original and sounds taken straight out of a soundtrack from Yann Tiersen. Actually, the whole scene before her eyes feels like an art piece taken out of a movie, to be more precise.

The sight makes Bora’s heart swell and she silently closes the door behind her to not disturb her, choosing to watch from afar until the song is over. She can sing along the Korean lyrics to the song that she knows by heart given how many times she’s listened to it before, but silence is the best accompaniment she can offer when Siyeon is enjoying herself like this.

The first time she heard that song was out of support but now it fits them quite well, ironically. She interprets the choice of song as a touching promise that one day, it'll be okay for them. Maybe they’re too afraid to use words to communicate but music, just as looks, is also a language they know very well.

One day, they won't have to stand apart like this.

By the end of the piece though, her feet have dragged her on the side of the instrument. She crosses her arms on the upright piano then lays her chin on top of it. The last notes resonate through her body as Siyeon carefully removes her hand from the keyboard, like she is afraid to make a move that will ruin the fade out.

“What's gotten you smiling like that?” Siyeon asks, after lifting her foot from the pedal, ending the rendition for good.

“You. I’m always happy to hear you play,” she simply says.

Siyeon can’t hide the slight blush forming on her cheeks, making her shy away from Bora’s gaze.

“I’m happy that you listen to me play then.”

Bitterness is never far but she’s genuinely happy to be by Siyeon’s side. That’s probably the most she can ask for, for now. She simply welcomes the fuzzy feelings she gets whenever she sees Siyeon. She's had them for so long anyway, that they're almost like that annoying family member you want to avoid, but can't live without even if you don't want to admit it. That's exactly that, she probably wouldn't know how to live without it. It has become so natural, just like seeing the stars in Siyeon's eyes.

They both remain their clingy and playful selves who drown the other in hugs and lingering touches, affectionate gazes and touching attentions, deliberately knowing it means something a little more, but never do something breaking the boundaries of their friendship.

Bora wouldn’t say they’re always satisfied with it, far from it. They have their ups and downs, of course, and sometimes she just wants to give in, close the distance between them when Siyeon’s tempting eyes silently ask her to, just before remembering who she is and that, as an idol, there are things that aren’t acceptable.

That’s kind of how things go until today.

* * *

“What’s gonna happen now?”

Bora asks, once she’s calmed down enough. They’re still laying on the couch, safe from the cruelty of the outside world. With her head against Siyeon’s chest, she can hear the latter’s heartbeat lulling her to a place far away. The mental exhaustion makes everything kind of dull now and Siyeon’s caresses on her hair are the only thing keeping her on the brink of consciousness.

“The company already asked me to stop coming for a few days. They’re gonna issue a statement to deny everything, you can make a few appearances with Wonpil to distract them too. Up to you but… you can not comment on it at all, there’s some risk of backlash to it though, or… you can apologize for causing trouble and say you just tripped or something because you drank too much.”

“Blame it on the alcohol?”

“Exactly. Then you’re gonna promote your song as planned, give those extraordinary performances only you know how, people will love it and everything will be okay. People have a short attention span nowadays, there’ll be a new craze or something to complain about in a few weeks.”

“I really hope so.”

“People’s memory need to be refreshed so many times over a long period of time to actually remember something. Sorry to break it to you but you’re no exception, which in our current predicament, is a blessing.” Siyeon’s words seem harsh but her tone is soft, giving the real measure of her intent. “Serve them the best of SuA during promotions, so that's all they’ll focus on. The media will be tired to run after thin air, stop making a big deal out of those pictures and people will forget about it.”

“I guess… we shouldn’t be seen together until at least your promotions are over.”

Business as usual. It’s the most logical course of action, of course, and Siyeon makes it sound so easy but at the same time too easy to be true.

“I can’t remember a time you weren’t coaching me during promotions.”

“A long long time ago, but you managed just fine. I’ll be a text away.”

For a while there’s no sound in the room except their steady breathing and the beating of Siyeon’s heart.

“Everything will be okay...”

“How about you? How do you feel about all this?”

Netizens could be terrifyingly good at investigating at times, and even if the other woman wasn’t a celebrity, who knows what they could find out?

“It’s okay, there’s not much about me publicly online, apart from my SNS, but I only use it for professional purposes. Some people have figured out it’s me so my mentions are exploding compared to usually, but I was never in for the attention anyway and it’ll remain that way. Just as it’ll remain rumors. There’s nothing wrong with us being good _friends_ , they’ll see whatever they want to see. Just… don’t ‘trip’ outside of bars again, okay?”

Shifting slightly, Bora tightens her grip on Siyeon’s sweater, a dry chuckle escaping her when she hears the choice of words a second time. Life really is pulling its biggest joke on her.

“It’s all my fault, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not.”

“But you know what I absolutely hate in this? We’re receiving so much hate for something that boy groups and girl groups do all the time on television. They push them to fanservice to the point it can be uncomfortable without asking for their opinion, but suddenly when it seems serious, when it’s not requested as ‘part of the job’, it’s the most despicable thing in the world. Is it because we’re not a group on camera and not prompted to that I shouldn’t hug you or kiss you? That you can’t hold my hand when you tell me silly stories about how your day went? That I can’t feel like the luckiest person on Earth for receiving your attention? I don't understand how it's different... And the worst, the worst! Is that I haven’t even done anything worth this mess because I’m just a coward!”

She feels like crying again. For the first time in the history of their silent agreement, Bora exposes out loud what’s on her heart. It pours out like a dam that’s just been levered down.

“It’s my fault too then, I could have pushed you away and I didn’t.”

“No, you didn't do anything wrong, that’s my fault for leading you on and I’m a coward because I thought that none of this, that I was oh so afraid of, would ever happen if I didn’t act on my feelings!”

Siyeon’s heartbeat picks up against her temple, prompting Bora to detach her head from the other’s body, releasing her hold to prop herself.

“But see, it happened anyway. I don’t even get to choose. And I’m sorry you didn’t get to either. Even if we deny everything, the rumors won’t disappear.”

When others look at her, at them, wrongly, she only needs Siyeon to look at her the way she usually does so she can dismiss everything else. That's why she's hesitant about meeting Siyeon's eyes for a while, scared of what she's going to find in it.

The vocal trainer is staring into space, eyelids half-way closed like they’re fighting to keep a grounding window on reality, when she could just close them and forget.

“Look at me.”

Slowly, Siyeon brings her focus on Bora. The stars are still there, but they’re in bad shape, scratched and lacking their previous sparkle.

“You’re already suffering too much because of me, yet I keep putting you in a difficult position.”

All this time, she’s been the one holding Siyeon back, because she has the most to lose while the younger woman has always been there waiting for her to make a decision.

“That’s nothing compared to you.”

“Siyeon, we both know I didn’t trip that night.”

“And?”

“And if this is the result of changing my mind at the last second,” Bora shifted her gaze to Siyeon’s lips, then to her eyes again, which doesn't go unnoticed by the other woman. “I might have as well kissed you then. Those pictures would have been the same.”

Bora cups Siyeon's face with one hand, and gets lost in her eyes once more. No matter how many times it happens, she always finds something new to admire.

“What’s preventing you now?”

They've both closed in carefully, like any abrupt movement will break the moment, and were now a breath away from each other. The closest they've ever been, but not yet the closest they can be.

Bora feels her mind floating making everything else blurry but one thing is for sure, Siyeon will be her queen tonight. She has earned that title long ago.

She leans in.

* * *

Promotions eventually start. She has trouble getting into performing at first, reluctantly dragging her feet backstage, but once she’s on stage that’s all she can focus on. Fan meetings prove to be another great source of energy. Seeing fans supportive of her despite the news, or despite anything, as she's read in a touching letter that got her shed tears, she finds her spirit back, when she can witness with her own eyes the beaming faces of the crowd.

What she dreads though, are interviews. She doesn’t think the media will be upfront asking her about it, the industry visibly preferring stabs in the back as a means of civil dialogue, but there’s always someone set on proving her wrong.

“SuA, in the past you’ve been known to prove your support to LGBT communities, and you’ve notably shared this foreign song depicting romance between two women, with a caption quoting the lyrics ‘ _I believe in stories others don’t believe in yet._ ’ Is this somewhat related to recent events?”

She remembers this post. She was looking significant to share for pride, as she had done on previous years of activity as an idol. With some searching on the internet, she had stumbled upon a Korean cover of a foreign song, where the singer speaks directly to a person afraid to love a woman, this person later turning out to be a woman as well, delivering a positive and encouraging message towards homosexuality in a sensible way. It is the same song that Siyeon played on the piano in the practice room long ago.

Yet the answer is no, because nothing was foreshadowing said recent events. What is made public from her is willingly, and last time she checked, that part of her private life was supposed to stay hidden from all. That's not how she has to answer, though.

In front of her, the announcer is not even looking her way. He has his eyes on his notes, and Bora can see that it physically pains him to ask that question. His words come with a disgusted undertone that he fails to hide behind professional detachment.

For the first time she sees how the people leaving those malicious comments could look like and actually look at her. She doesn't want it. She's ready to face criticism but only if it has to do with her music, lyrics, whatever that is not who she might be.

This is a scenario she’s worked on with the PR team of the company, of course. For once, she's thankful for the ready-made answers, because she already has too many things to stress out for to make up her own. With this, she's not walking on thin ice anymore, but rather on a glass floor. Sturdier but unnerving all the same.

She keeps her composure, waits for a second to make it seem like she’s thinking about the reply, as well as prepare her voice to not crack. Whatever the reply is, the delivery matters just as much if not more, her every move scrutinized and dissected for sure after the public broadcast. More than ever, it’s a game of appearances that’s being played. Any sign of weakness will be considered and used as fuel for more controversy.

Whoever it is, that person dug really far into her social networks. There was no reason to lie on this one, though she didn’t even understand the point of the question. She takes a breath before finally replying, with a serene but confident face.

“I’m sorry but my fans have been waiting a long time for this comeback, and I don’t want to burden them with this incident that has nothing to do with our purpose here. I’ll just answer this it is nothing but a genuine message of support for anyone needing it.”

She wants to say more, but the shorter the better.

"Regarding the second part of your question, my agency already issued an official statement on that subject, so from now on, please refrain from asking questions uncalled for.”

She firmly answers, blocking any assumption that she would be open for further elaboration on the subject, because she’s not sure how far she can maintain the act without crumbling.

* * *

Just another two weeks.

The night is far advanced when she finally plops down on the couch of her apartment, shoots and recording all cleared for the day, thoughts all gone from exhaustion, except the one urging her to unlock her phone now that no one’s watching.

“ _Did you get home safely? I hope you can get some rest before tomorrow; your health is more important than anything else._ ”

Ever since that night, she and Siyeon’s only interactions with each other are through the phone. It felt like they are deprived of something they have waited for for so long and finally earned after a long journey, snatched from them as soon as they embraced it. A short-lived happiness taken away for the sake of precautionary measures.

“ _I’m going to sleep now, the agency packed up my schedule as well so I’m- uuuh... really tired... There’s no reason to change anything actually but I guess they don’t want people to ask questions… Like that’d have anything to do with it._ ”

The hectic schedules of promotions help by busying most of her day and making her physically unable to meet with Siyeon. Yet, at the same time they don’t, as the younger woman’s all she can think about while she spends hours trapped in the waiting rooms of music shows, waiting for her cue to go on stage. She chats with the staff as much as she can but it only works for so long. They can’t call each other at night either because it’s already too late when she gets back to her place, so they settle for brief vocal messages that she plays over and over, but it’s never enough.

“ _In fact, I prefer being busy, I think... I can feel people’s gaze on me at the company, watching me behind my back. They don’t say anything to my face though. It’s still alright, maybe they’re just curious because it is the latest scandal within the industry and they know us personally, whatever. I’m fine, but I can’t imagine how it must be for you._ ”

It’s been more than a week already and it’s starting to take a toll on her. It's funny in a sense, how the separation make them long for each other like this when they've been used to not seeing each other over long periods before. Bora being on tour, Siyeon participating to an event or simply missioned on another artist. Them waiting years. 

Now that Bora's taken a step forward, it feels that time resumed as well, imposing its inexorable law.

“ _I want to see you… But that’s a selfish thought, right? We’ll go through it. Good night, I… Dream of me. I’ll dream of you._ ”

Just another two weeks.

* * *

“Good morning.”

Feeling the sheets shift on her skin, followed by a slight dip of the mattress, Bora is greeted by the clear voice of her most adored person.

She turns around so she'll face Siyeon, not without enjoying a few more second of the sweet bliss of slumber before opening her eyes.

"Mmmh, good morning."

A smile forms on her face as her eyes meet Siyeon's, taking in the stars that once more shine brightly. When she told the vocal trainer about them during one of their late night talk, the latter was quick to disagree, causing her mood to drop unwillingly, only to have her heartbeat pick up at the cringey reply that they were both artists then, because she saw them too. Honestly, she doesn't see any reason to change how she calls the glint in Siyeon's eyes.

"What do you want to do, today?" Siyeon asked after a moment.

"Do you have something in mind?"

Her phone goes off but she quickly dismisses the call without looking at the screen to give her full attention back to Siyeon as fast as possible.

"Well, I thought we could stay in bed a little longer," she starts, lazily tracing random patterns on Bora's shoulders with her hand. "Cuddling and being cute together."

Ever since her promotions ended, media exposure about the scandal reduced as well, giving the involved parties a well-deserved break. Inevitably, the backlash was there, not so much sales-wise but several sponsors did withdraw from their engagements and Bora forces herself to not spend too much time reading comments on social networks. Wonpil, as per request of Siyeon, even if he would have done so anyway, made sure she's in a safe and truly resting environment as much as possible.

After waiting a couple weeks more and while remaining extremely cautious, Bora and Siyeon started going out properly. Needless to say, they have never been happier, being able to express freely, to each other at least, their feelings.

That enough already feels so liberating. The weight she hasn't realized she carried for all those years is lift off her shoulders replaced by butterflies and giggles.

"Only cuddling?" she asks teasingly, eyebrows slightly raising, and Siyeon follows along.

"I may have something else in my hidden agenda."

"Ooh, so mysterious." Bora props herself up then crawls to Siyeon, purposely hovering close to her face and staring right at her. "Tell me about it."

The vocal trainer doesn't bat an eye at the proximity, instead keeping up with the playful exchange.

"I can't. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a secret anymore."

"But I love secrets!" Bora pouts slightly. "Let me guess, then. It involves you." She leans down to peck Siyeon, the smile she's wearing since she woke up widening as she feels the contact with soft lips. "Me." Another one. "Being less cute and sexier together instead."

She lets the kiss lasts this time and welcomes the familiar warmth waking up her body when Siyeon chooses to deepen it. The latter is quick to flip them over so that Bora's now the one lying on her back.

She returns the kiss with the same eagerness, rubbing Siyeon's side with one hand and letting the other get lost in brown locks.

The phone goes off again.

Now she's curious.

She tries to find a moment to break the kiss to answer before getting too overwhelmed to care and takes her chance when Siyeon moves into her collarbone. With much difficulty, she tries to reach for the nightstand.

"Don't." Siyeon says hastily before resuming leaving trails of kisses on her jaw.

“I have to get it," she says when she successfully grabs her phone. "I'm filtering calls so it must be important if they're calling again.”

She pecks Siyeon’s lips one last time before picking up.

"Hello?"

“ _Bora, hi. Sorry to call you this early but it’s really urgent; I have to tell you before it’s out officially. I’m sorry, I couldn’t do anything. I tried to defend you the best I could but they wouldn’t hear anything. Their decision was already final even before they told me and-_ ”

“Wow, slow down, breathe. What are you talking about?”

Wonpil’s voice is agitated and that only makes Bora even more confused. She sits up, blinking repeatedly trying to make sense of what the keyboardist just said, while Siyeon looks at her with curious eyes.

“ _My agency. They don’t want mine and the group’s name associated with yours anymore and will announce our breakup in a matter of hours. It’s a completely one-sided decision, your company doesn’t know about it. They're probably doing it that way so that you guys can't do anything but comply and confirm. You need to get prepared for another round of rumors._ ”

She’s left speechless, shivers running down her skin as a physical reaction mimicking of what she felt in her mind. Out of all the scenarios she has imagined, this one never popped up. Throughout all this, their fake relationship remained the best shield they have against all the crazy theories that have been going on online. If it’s gone, it’s bound to strengthen their otherwise unrealistic yet spot on assumptions. 

“When?”

“ _Within the hour._ ”

* * *

‘ _Day6's Kim Wonpil and solo artist SuA have reportedly broken up due to conflicting schedules_ ’’

  
‘ _[BREAKING] JYP Ent. confirms solo artist SuA and Day6’s Kim Wonpil's break up_ ’


	2. Que du love

Loving Kim Bora was never an easy thing, but as it comes naturally to her, the amount of ordeals Siyeon is ready to overcome for her is endless.

She likes to think her musical influences grew too much on her. Being a classically trained musician - a vocalist to be precise, though she started with learning the piano as soon as she could even walk and later on at the conservatoire, she doesn’t miss out how Romanticism being her favorite stylistic movement and her enduring a mostly unspoken story - preferring to translate her feelings to music instead of words, might be closely related. Romanticism is a music of feelings, of emotions so intense they overpower the mind, eventually driving people to excessive decisions and Siyeon may do just the same.

Actually, no. There’s something that doesn’t sit right with that. No, loving Kim Bora is as easy as breathing, something so imprinted in her heart that even unconscious she’d reach for her. Besides, Bora makes it terribly easy to love her, how can she resist? She’s radiating this very contagious energy that drives Siyeon in, never being afraid of making something silly to amuse, going out of her way to get what she wants, or annoying Siyeon on purpose to get her undivided attention. She’s caring, also passionate and has that charming voice and Siyeon won’t deny, she is indeed very charmed by the beautiful Bora.

Siyeon is no knight in shining armor but she's willing to do her best. Not that there are that many difficulties when they first meet - it's strictly professional friendship, but when she starts looking at the older woman under a different light, she quickly understands that her best may not be enough.

Figuring out that her attraction was most probably reciprocated isn’t all that difficult. The idol may excel at the game of appearance in front of the cameras, she quickly and gladly lets it go when it’s just the two of them at practice, and with time, when they meet outside of work. Even if the vocal trainer is the one who asked her to not think of their sessions too formally, thinking back to their first meeting, she never thought it would lead them where they are now. Longing for each other, trying to convey silent messages through a loving gaze or a lingering embrace that will speed up the tempo of her heartbeats.

Now, you would think that it’s actually a fairly easy situation. Two people in love, they would just need to confess. Since both are aware of what’s happening, happiness is merely three words away.

There’s nothing to worry about. 

Right?

It’s only love.

Right?

But things are never that simple, are they?

When she worries that Bora overworks, when she’s happy to to spend time with her, when it hurts to overthink their relationship after she takes a step back. When she's delighted to hear someone of the industry praise her abilities and hard work. It also stems from love.

And all of that goes without considering the prying eyes that seem to have an opinion on how people should live their lives, and especially idols, which Bora happens to be.

Sadly, Siyeon understands that’s the reason why Bora must decide for them both and the reason why, as much as Siyeon strays from her own, the singer doesn’t go out of her way so they can walk on the same path.

But Siyeon is brave enough to remain by Bora’s side until she can’t, and hopelessly smitten that ultimately everything she does is driven by love.

* * *

Siyeon thinks that out them both, Bora is still the braver one for putting up with the idol life. Frankly, that’s not something she’d be able to, it requires an overwhelming amount of dedication that she sees as very restraining and pressuring.

“Can you take a picture of me?” Bora says extending her phone towards her.

They’re enjoying some time together, during Bora’s hiatus and Siyeon being on leave. It’s a weekday, and right in the middle of the morning, so the cosy café located in Sangsu, just a few streets further all the nightclubs, is empty, giving them the privacy Siyeon hoped for when she chose the place. Outside, she can even see two little kittens idly feeding from their dish right by the entrance, another sign of welcome peace. Free time with Bora was scarce and precious, it would sadden her to spend it with random people following them while pointing their phones at the older woman relentlessly, as if a singer walking the streets during their free time is anything worth recording.

Of course, it’s a different question when Bora is the one asking. Siyeon accepts the device and starts taking pictures when she starts posing. She tries to find the perfect angle, but honestly, there’s no bad or average angles when that’s Bora you’re photographing.

Oh, but maybe that’s not what she needs to focus on.

“Should I leave out the pancakes?”

“No, no, show the pancakes, it’s important. I’m eating properly.”

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this,” she says as she takes a new round of shots framing the plate with the pancakes as well this time, “when we could already be tasting happiness.”

“Just updating my fans so they don’t miss me too much.”

“But you’re on break and finished your promotions like, two days ago, you don’t have to.”

“It’s just nice to share with them? It’s not that deep."

"Isn't it tiring to have their eyes constantly on you, whatever you do? I mean, it's only pancakes," she reasons, though the place might be completely packed with fans the day after the singer releases the pictures. How much time do they actually spend investigating those stuff? There are plenty of good pancake places.

It’s not really about the pancakes, she knows it.

She works with a lot of idols so it’s not entirely new to her, but it never fails to impress her how much they share of their lives. It definitely challenges her view on the question, and it’s always with renewed fascination that she observes Bora put so much care in those mundane moments.

It’s not quite like boasting to your friends by uploading a pretty picture of you and the delicious food you ate to make them salivate with envy. Firstly because who has thousands of friends, and secondly because they will hunt down the place not because the idol recommended the food, she’s stopped doing that long ago, but because it’s the place SuA visited and, incidentally, had food at.

"At times, yes, of course, but I receive so much love and energy from them, it’s crazy. I want to give it back. And I guess… maybe a part of me wants their attention... I like reading their comments wishing me a good day or saying how the picture made them feel better. It helps me too," she says vaguely, but smiling nonetheless. "Besides, I don’t have to post it today. This is still our special moment, don’t worry.”

Bora then affectionately looks at Siyeon beyond the lens, her grin visibly widening when their eyes meet, before posing again.

She still doesn’t understand completely because she doesn’t need to make the effort of an improvised photoshoot today either, but Bora is very cute smiling at the fluffy pancakes, so she stops her sociological study here. She takes a few more shots for good measure, then hands back the phone to its owner.

“Yeah, I’ll find a good one in those for sure. You have the eye of a photographer, Siyeon. Thanks,” the singer compliments happily while she scrolls at her gallery.

“Not difficult when the subject is already art.”

Bora’s head shoots up with an incredulous look on her face, as if asking her friend if she really just said that in a completely serious tone.

“I hope that’s what your fans will think when they see one of those pictures. My art needs appreciation, after all,” she rather unconvincingly explains, deliberately looking sideways with a pout when she finishes talking.

“You, really… Anyway, let’s dig in,” Bora says raising her cutlery mid-air, hungry eyes staring indecently at the innocent pancakes.

“Wait,” she interrupts, fishing in her coat pocket for her own phone. “I want a picture too. Gotta keep the art for myself.”

Bora smiles at Siyeon again, enthusiastically posing again, but the latter points the camera at the pancakes, breathing out a satisfied sigh.

“Real art, look at that fluffiness. It’s perfect.”

“Hey!” Bora exclaims. She grabs Siyeon’s hand to direct the camera to her. “Take a picture of me, you goof!”

“Huh huh,” she negates. She gently frees herself from Bora's hold, shifts on her chair, turning half-way around, then positions her phone so that the two of them fit in the small frame.

“Let’s just take a picture together. Lift the plate, I wanna see the pancakes.”

And with that, she takes a single shot, quickly putting away the device away to face Bora once again.

* * *

As far as her own bravery is concerned, Siyeon can’t really say it’s completely unfailing, but to which extent precisely is up to your own judgement. She’s thought of leaving several times, an easy solution at first glance before it’s too late for damage control. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, they say, but surely there’s a limit to that. Finding another job wouldn’t be too difficult for her, and her skills are versatile enough to get by, but then one look in Bora’s eyes and the will to find out about her theory is thrown out the window.

Admittedly, being infatuated with an idol you work with proves some predictable inconveniences, schedule-wise. They meet regularly, but as colleagues and for work, and as for their friendship, she needs to wait for a rare day off Bora will most likely be informed of last minute and pray she didn’t already have plans.

The singer is her strength and her weakness at the same time. She’s her ruler and probably doesn’t even know how much power she holds over her.

She can crush her, and she almost does.

‘ _[BREAKING] Media outlet reports solo singer SuA and band Day6’s Wonpil are dating_ ’

Surprise is too light of a word to describe her reaction to the headlines. Betrayal is too strong, she reasons. As close as she and Bora are, she realizes there are lines she will never cross.

Maybe she interpreted everything wrong? Maybe she was lead on and Siyeon was too stupid to realize? Why didn’t Bora tell her?

Her mind goes back to every moment they shared, trying to find the evidence that she was in the wrong all this time and Bora was just being affectionate with her because that’s just who she is and treats her closed ones, not because of something more. She tries to rationalize her feelings, never bringing the topic up because that’s still not how this part of their relationship work. She thought she understood the reasons why, but now she's not so sure anymore. Pushing far away the feeling of humiliation and the hint of jealousy growing in her, she wants to think everything’s fine, that at least Bora will be happy this way.

It bothers her much more than she's willing to admit and the singer catches on even quicker than herself.

“Siyeon!” Bora shouts in the middle of a vocal practice, waving her hand in front of Siyeon, making the latter snap out of it. “Are you okay? You were staring into space and not saying anything about this part.”

She shakes her head, her gaze low.

“I wasn’t paying attention, sorry.”

“Never thought I’d hear you say that. Something on your mind?”

She keeps brushing it off, blaming lack of sleep and Bora lets go, several times. As time passes, she keeps being off during practice, sometimes distracted. Her eyes don’t even meet Bora's anymore, for the simple reason that she doesn't feel like she has the right anymore. It only lasts for so long before Bora comes forth again. Several passive aggressive lines later, the outome is nothing short of explosive.

“Okay Siyeon, what’s wrong with you?!”

“Were you ever going to tell me?”

Siyeon’s spent the last days on edge and her brain can’t prevent her words from coming out accusative and biting. She swats away Bora’s hand that came in contact with her arm. It’s enough to tick off the singer, who’s in a similar state from days of seeing her attempts to understand this foggy situation fully disregarded.

“Do I have to tell you everything? I have enough people annoying me about that all day long. That’s none of your business.”

“There, you have it.” She spits back almost instantly, rolling her eyes. “That’s none of your business.”

“Is this what this is about?” Bora asks, eyebrows frowning trying to make sense of the situation. ”You tell me nothing’s wrong yet you keep avoiding me like the plague! Even during practice it’s like I don’t exist.” Her tone has gone more desperate throughout her sentence, expressing her confusion. “We both have things we don’t want to talk about, but at least _you_ ’re not what I don’t want to talk about. So what now? We ignore each other until the end of humanity? How fucking great...”

“Alright, let’s talk about it, _Bora_. Who am I to you?”

The question has been on the tip of her tongue for a long time, haunting her even more lately. Their lack of communication is unhealthy, but turns out they’re terribly bad at it when they try. In front of her, Bora keeps quiet, mouth slightly agape and pensive eyes filled with sadness, the result of the underlying meaning of the question and how it lead them to throw such misplaced words at each other, but Siyeon is too blinded by her own disillusion to realize. She doesn’t even know what she expects from the question, actually. She won’t get the words she wants to hear, so it's pointless to drag the argument further.

“See? You can’t even answer. I just thought... I mattered.”

In the depths of her tired heart however, she knows she's looking for a reason to stop hoping and her brain only found such a destructive way to deceive her into it.

She sighs.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“No Siyeon, listen-”

“Let’s just not waste our time on this and get back to work,” she interrupts dryly.

Seeing Bora struggling to even get notes out that day only makes her feel numb.

Would it have hurt more or less if she had left earlier? Because now, it’s already too late for damage control.

What she can’t say, she transposes to music. Back to her place, she lays down a few chords she’s had in mind for a while, creating a canvas for what would be ambitious to call a melody yet, a few plaintive notes her heart hums in response to the ache she feels at most. Her emotions are a mess, but maybe she can process them one bar at a time. The narrowness of her studio thus becomes a limitless scene of creativity. This time there's no Bora to suggest her ideas, however, she is the inspiration herself.

A hopelessly hoping Romantic, that's ridiculous. She needs to stop wallowing in her own drama, really.

* * *

"Lee Siyeon, stop right there!"

Bora striding over at an alarming speed is a common occurrence in her daily life at the company, but this time Siyeon is too late to react and find an escape route. As much as the willingly-induced distance has made her mind clearer, she’s not ready to handle another raging conversation. Unfortunately, Bora is already at her level when she turns around to see her friend, if it's even correct to refer to her as such, and she briefly questions her reaction since she recognized her from her voice only. Without letting her time to find an answer to this futile wandering of her mind or voice protest at the command, Bora grabs her arm and drags her to the nearest practice room.

Once Siyeon’s unceremoniously pushed inside in complete indifference from their colleagues passing by, the singer closes the door and leans against it with her hands behind her back. They’re in a vocal practice room, too small to be more than two meters apart, allowing Siyeon to finally take notice of the dark circles under Bora’s eyes, despite her not preparing a comeback at the moment. After a good minute of awkward silence spent staring at each other, Bora finally speaks.

“None of what you can read about me and Wonpil is true. I didn't say anything because there was nothing worth saying. Because you're the only one who completely makes me forget about my life as SuA, I didn't want to ruin that. You’re supposed to trust me, not what others say about me.”

Contrary to what she initially thought, the scene is so calm that Siyeon practically hears her own heartbeats pulsing through her chest, anticipating Bora’s every word.

“Really, he's a friend. A close friend, but that’s it. We've been used to cover something else, we didn’t even know before we saw the news. Please, it’s already hard enough having my private life exposed, reading all those comments about how I…” she doesn’t finish that part, quickly refocusing. “But if I lose you as well I..."

She pauses, unconsciously diverting her eyes while she searches for her words, looking frustrated and pleading when she finally looks back up, making Siyeon feel so miserable to be source of her affliction.

“Siyeon, you’re the most important person to me. I’m so sorry I can’t say more...”

Ironically, Bora is a woman of words, because she doesn’t say more and leaves the room, leaving Siyeon alone with her heart beating faster and that last sentence ringing in her head after the short encounter.

It can mean everything and nothing, because as long as it remains unsaid, nothing is real, nothing is false. She doesn't know what she's waiting for.

How unfair is she?

How unfair is this?

Yet, she stays.

* * *

What can you do when people slander you over something you don’t have control over? When they talk about you behind your back, or hidden behind the comfort of their screen? When you can’t talk back? When you can’t understand the reason why they would even do that?

Surely no one is a saint, and at one point in her life, even Bora must have pissed someone off given her impulsive nature. Does it give anybody else other than that poor soul, who might have deserved it anyway, any right to judge her? As far as Siyeon’s concerned, and well, excuse her, she definitely is, the idol didn’t commit any crime that would have her thrown in the lion’s den for a verbal lynching.

Truth is, Siyeon’s mind is blank as she sees Bora’s face turn to a crestfallen expression as she talks to Wonpil over the phone, but that’s probably what she would have thought.

The singer hangs up slowly, letting her hand still wrapped around the device fall back on the mattress with a soft sound. Seeing Bora looking so small and fragile right in front of her, worry takes over but Siyeon can only watch her wordlessly, waiting for her to say something.

“So... Apparently I’m gonna break up with Wonpil.”

That sure is a very unique and uncertain way of talking about your own fake relationship, which makes her raise her eyebrows to ask for details.

“Apparently?”

“His agency chose for us. I’m... problematic.”

The last part comes with difficulty. Bora closes her eyes and blows out air slowly through her mouth, inspires through her nose, then lets the air out again. She repeats the process several times, each time inhaling deeper, obviously trying to calm down.

“I hate it,” she whispers, but the room is too silent for Siyeon not to hear. Her face contorts to a sadder sight, one of dejection that’s so uncharacteristic of her it breaks Siyeon's heart. Her grip tightens, to the point she sees on her hand the outline of tendons popping out.

It only takes a few seconds for the phone to crash against the wall, making the younger woman startle at the sudden outburst. She turns her head to the device lying on the floor, most probably broken or at least well bashed up, an appropriate fate for this isolating instrument of distress.

“I hate it…”

The situation is all too familiar and once again, she holds Bora as tight as she can. She wishes it could be enough to take all her worries away.

"Why do they care so much?"

* * *

Siyeon would go in front of those people, try to understand what they gain from speaking such harsh words. Is it pleasure? Power? Reinsurance? Are they jealous? Lonely? Craving for attention? Whatever it is, the answer would probably be turned the other way around, blaming the victim instead of questioning themselves. Problem is, even if she were a real knight, she wouldn’t be able to slay the faceless ghosts polluting the Internet. Their immateriality is their deadliest attribute, she laments.

Bora can only lay low again to avoid spreading fire, as the ghosts’ greed is never satisfied.

If SuA smiles, they'll say she's was quick to forget she just ended a relationship, because it's inconceivable that Wonpil, a mutual decision, or their companies did. If she's sad, they'll say she deserved it and should have been more careful because such a negative reaction was expected after two scandals back-to-back. If she's honest, that she's just making up stories for redemption and putting on the sad face to guilt-trip the public opinion.

Bora certainly knows all that better than she does and that’s why she’s lost interest in pretty much everything. In the meantime, Siyeon can only be brave enough for the two of them in hopes the singer regains her full spirits soon. Among the myriad of feelings she goes through these days, seeing Bora becoming a shadow of herself is making her mad to no end, and not knowing to whom direct her anger is immensely frustrating. She’s punching the air and it’s as useless as it sounds.

She thinks everyday of what she can do with her limited options.

“Ms. Bora, wake up. Today we’re exercising.”

“Don’t want to.”

“As your vocal trainer I’m very offended to hear that, but that’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to keep that hot body of yours in shape. You haven’t left your bed for the past few days, you need to at least do your stretches. Not gonna lie, I have a purely selfish interest in this training other than avoiding you a muscle tear when you dance again.”

Siyeon speaks in a very confident voice for her very inspirational purposes. Once she’s finished, she throws workout clothes right at the small bump on the bed, where Bora is curled up. Unsurprisingly, the evident disrespect doesn’t elicit the usual immediate reaction she would usually get when she annoys the older woman.

“Don’t want to…”

She sighs.

She misses the fierce Bora who would yell at her for making her repeat herself. However, she’s a woman with a mission, so she doesn’t get discouraged yet. She unrolls a first yoga mat and sets it on the floor, then a second one.

“I had a feeling you would say that. That’s why I’m gonna make it entertaining for you, by doing the stretches with you. Please be appreciative of my efforts and watch me struggle.”

She’s honestly not sure her strategy would pay off, and she was already prepared to let it go and busy herself preparing some food. Well, at least make something edible. Just as she’s about to pack her things, the human lump finally shifts, and soon after, a head pops up from underneath the blanket. Tired eyes travel from the mats to all over her body, as if judging Siyeon really meant what she said.

“That’s not everyday I can see you wearing tight clothes…” Bora says referring to the sport clothing she rarely wears in the most unaffected voice possible, but it still manages to get her cheeks warm up at the comment.

"Well," Siyeon coughs, "I'm glad I can literally give a lot of myself to motivate you."

Bora fixes her gaze on the ceiling for a few seconds, chest heaving serenely, then back at Siyeon again who only offers benevolence in return. She mentally gives herself a pat on the shoulder when she sees her crawl out of bed.

“How do you even know my stretching routine?” Bora asks after they complete the first set of stretches, without much enthusiasm on the singer’s part. Not much on the vocal trainer’s either but for entirely different reasons she of course doesn’t show.

“Excuse me? You do that everyday, and I’ve seen it enough times myself, of course I know. I could even do it with my eyes closed. Look!"

Trying to prove her point, she closes her eyes and tries to bring her legs in the air in an intricate motion, but she quickly loses her balance and inelegantly falls back on the mat.

“Okay, maybe not do it per se, but I know,” she huffs.

Through the strands of hair that hinders her vision, she swears the corner of Bora’s lips rise for an instant. That’s a start.

Siyeon would rather stay all day beside the singer during those difficult times, but reality is she’s not exactly in a position to do as she wishes either. As much as the agency gives space to Bora while they’re somehow taking care of it, Siyeon still needs to go to work. She’s not a fan of the idea of leaving her on her own, but another part of her thinks Bora might need it, as she’s surrounded by people nonstop on a daily basis. Have some time for herself. With that conflict in mind, she makes sure she’s at least not lonely, that she knows people care for her.

Although going to the company had its downsides that the scandals were all she hears about daily, it also gives her the opportunity to discreetly ask fellow idols she knew were close enough to pay the disheartened woman a visit if their schedules allow it.

Other than providing support and the company threatening posters of malicious comments with legal pursuits, Siyeon runs short of ideas to cheer up Bora without pressuring her into happiness. She already can’t appear unhappy at all times outside, she’s not going to make her think she needs to do that with her as well. The least she can do is let her sort things out and that can’t happen overnight.

Thankfully she’s also the bearer of comforting news.

“You wouldn’t know because you broke your phone, but your fans charted your debut album first yesterday.”

“Really?”

“Your manager told me. I’m not enough on socials to know about fan projects. A six years old album, that’s unheard of... and scaringly sweet.”

That’s partly true. She tries to keep up but sometimes she can’t bring herself to come across the heinous comments directed towards the person she loves. It’s like arrows are piercing through her body and they’re definitely not from Cupid.

“Also, he’s given me a special fan letter.” Bora interrupts her movements to go into a sitting position, expecting that she would just give her the piece of paper, but Siyeon tells her to keep up with the stretching. “You’re doing great, don’t stop. I’ll just read it for you.”

Bora lies back to execute with ease the movement Siyeon made a fool out of herself with moments ago. The latter doesn’t get up either, not even to fetch an envelope.

“I’m not an expert in those so you’ve probably received way better before, but I’m particularly fond of that one, personally.” She coughs, this time to ready her voice.

“ _Bora, when our paths met, I fell in love with your voice, and heavens have mercy on me because I still haven't recovered from this intoxicating melody. When I see you smile on stage, I can’t help but smile as well, because that’s the impact you have on me. I think you put stars in my eyes, because it always shines so bright when I look at you. I’ll forever be grateful for having you in my life. Thank you so much. I love you._ ”

“Come on Siyeon, you’re not even reading.”

“Alright, you got me,” she says raising both her empty hands. “But that doesn’t make it any less true.”

It's the same routine everyday. After work, go to Bora's, make sure she's eaten decent food in at least the past twenty-four hours, take care of house chores, not that there’s much to do, even down Bora remains a very tidy person, spend some time with her then ask the same question.

“Do you want me to stay the night?”

Sometimes, the older woman refuses. She can’t ignore the pinge in her chest when she does, but again, Siyeon doesn’t want to impose anything. She tries to remain positive, offering a tender smile as she leaves a chaste kiss on her lips, then bids her goodbye with the unfaltering promise of coming back the next day. Only when she crosses the threshold and closes the door does she let the yawn she’s been holding back all day escape her.

“Yes, please.”

Sometimes, she accepts. Then in the comfort of her embrace, Bora tells her about her inner turmoil. About how difficult it is to maintain self-control at all times she’s outside, fully knowing that even if it doesn’t seem to be the case, someone might be either observing or recording her. About the guilt she feels when, like right now, she wants to complain, even though she wished for this situation by pursuing her dreams, to which Siyeon replies it’s not because she chose to be a singer that she can’t be frustrated about it.

“That would be deemed arrogant, right?”

“Only to an ignorant mind; you’re nothing like that. And trust me, I’ve worked with conceited asses, I know all about them.”

“I know about them too,” the older reminds her, chuckling lightly.

Bora resumes her soul-searching, the almost monologue shifting to the scandals themselves inevitably. They share the same opinion, that no matter how they look at it, they don’t understand why they blame the singer for something private and not reprehensible.

“This person in the pictures, I don’t know who it is. That’s not me. That can’t be me,” she speaks in a calm voice. “What I see in the news, how people see me as and what I feel inside of me are so entirely different I don’t know who I am anymore… Yet at the same time, I can’t tell them to stop looking at me, right? That the show is over so there’s nothing to see. That’s what I do after all… Make them look at me, offer an image of me along with my songs. And I enjoy it, I really do, otherwise I wouldn’t be on stage.” She sighs, fatigue showing through her voice. “I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.”

Pushing her own feelings for the woman in her arms aside, it pains Siyeon that something born out of genuine passion can lead to this. It’s not even about them, it’s something bigger.

“You can’t tell them,” she says, clearing Bora’s rhetorical questioning from any doubt. “But you shouldn’t even have to tell them… You’re a singer first and foremost, not a freak stuck in a reality-show for the rest of its life. That’s twisted. Please, don’t feel guilty to think the way you do.”

They spend nights like that, their wounded selves putting the world to rights, armed with words and wishes for a peace that doesn’t come at the expense of taking down differences while despising normalcy.

* * *

The rhythm is broken, her placement and fingering uncertain. Even if her eyes are on the sheets in front of her, she doesn’t read actually read them, rushing instead to the next measure, stopping regularly to decipher on the spot. Some parts are definitely better than others, and Siyeon easily guesses that must be the student’s favorite parts of the piece, those she must have rehearsed endlessly just for the satisfaction of hearing it one more time.

Once the young girl finishes, she keeps looking down at the keys instead of Siyeon, sheepish, waiting for her to say something.

“You haven’t practiced much last week, have you?” she observes, making the student finally turn her head in her direction, looking a bit embarrassed.

“Sorry, I had an important test coming up… Everytime I sat at the piano, I felt guilty of not being studying and I couldn’t shake it off my mind.”

“It’s alright, you don’t have to explain.”

Siyeon offers a reassuring smile and she sees the relief wash over her the girl’s face, making her bothered pout disappear and her features relax.

“Make sure you get enough rest, okay? It’s more important than the piano, so it’s okay to not practice sometimes. Plus, you’re still one of my best students, that alone gives you a pass. I haven’t seen anyone making as much progress as you in such a short time in a long while.”

“Thank you professor,” the girl replies with a slight bow.

“Let’s start from the beginning, slowly. There’s no need to rush, and certainly no need to play faster than what you can. That won’t make it sound any better.”

She watches her student shift on the stool to readjust her position and straighten her back, then coolly bring her hands back to the starting position.

“Alright. I’ll count for you.”

Quitting your job is always a difficult decision to make, even though Siyeon’s once thought otherwise, and especially when it's a big name you're separating from with all the perks it includes. Still, she keeps thinking it’s one of the best she’s made. More than the work itself, the workplace makes for a lot when you spend your days at the same place with the same people continuously and Siyeon didn't have enough reasons to ignore the issue any longer. Weary of her colleagues repeatedly hurling barbs at her in all their subtlesness for bringing shade to the company, more so than for the reason of the scandal itself, even though she’s not sure, she stopped taking their relatively measured words for consideration. Contrary to the public eye who doubted, she was still convinced they didn’t believe any of it anyway, but they kept referring to it and it was tiring. Siyeon preferred to leave them and their microcosm of dramatic pretense.

She doesn't see it as running away because she doesn’t owe anything to those people. She's spent enough time there and now is a sign to move on. Granted, that may have given them the satisfaction they've been looking for, but she doesn't care. She has built the connections she needs from people who don't care as well, but also the strictly professional reputation and experience to shine elsewhere if she wants to. It’s still a secret, but she already knows where that elsewhere can be.

The sight of the young girl struggling with an arpeggio brings her attention back on the lesson. The teacher hums while trying a few other combinations, then reaches for the sheets to scribble an alternate set of numbers under the notes.

"Four, three, two, one, two. Try that instead."

The students hums and leans closer to the music stand as soon as she puts the paper back on the instrument. The girl tries and the keys seem to fall more naturally under her fingers.

"How is it?"

"Way better."

Back to the small studio in her apartment, Siyeon is happy to have more control on her schedule and enough time to teach to the kids of the neighborhood again. Watching them learn and appreciate music is a wholesome feeling she can’t describe. She’s sometimes requested for her vocal training services by people in the industry, but for the moment she’s focusing a bit more on the piano and honestly, she’s missed it.

Her face hasn't appeared much during the whole situation, apart from maybe a couple posts on social networks, but she's always been discreet enough to not have much pictures of her taken even when she was present on official schedules. Even when it circulated, people were quick to forget her face. The one they were after was mostly Bora, after all. Siyeon was just the aggravating factor. The singer was disappointed to see her leave but respected her decision nonetheless. Siyeon didn't want to leave her on her own there, but her presence was a potential disturbance.

Bora…

The lesson passes as she lets her thoughts wander to the rhythm of the notes that her student now managed to play slowly, sure, but steadily.

“I won’t be here for two weeks, remember? You have plenty of time to practice what we’ve seen today.”

The girl bids her goodbye then leaves. Now alone, her mood light with the prospect of some relaxing time away from responsibilities, lulled by the sweet sound of waves crashing on the sand, Siyeon wants to play a bit of her own. Something aerial, fresh and calming that will bring the sea breeze right through the windows of her seoulite apartment, but timing will be tight if she does so. She compromises by turning on the speakers with a recorded version, sometimes harmonizing with her voice, while tidying the room.

Even though it really depends on how lenient your standards are, to Siyeon the studio is the neatest part of her apartment, and her students are usually just happy to take their lessons in there to forget about the countless sheets and notes Siyeon tends to scatter on the desk when she gets carried away.

Once she's satisfied, she finally addresses the two missed calls she had during her lesson. He's said he'll call today, but there's no message left. She presses the call back button, bringing the device to her ear as she exits the studio and makes her way towards her room to finish packing.

“ _Ah, Siyeon!_ ”

They quickly exchange greetings before tackling the reason the producer called.

" _I listened to the last song you sent. It's good, really good, just like the rest. Darker than I thought it'd be considering the title, not gonna lie, but it’s even better thanks to it. I can’t believe you didn’t want us to hear this. Where did you get the inspiration? Just to make sure I don’t go in the opposite direction._ "

It still feels foreign to her that people other than Bora praise the songs she wrote. Foreign but pleasant. It took a lot of convincing but in the end the proposition matched her vision of things.

"Well, nothing too extraordinary. I was in love with someone and they were in love with me, but since we couldn't see any positive outcome at the time, we couldn’t confess our feelings. I wasn’t in my right mind, honestly, it just kinda flowed from all that."

That’s a really simple way of summing it up when it put her through so much for so long, yet, barren of its context, it all goes back to being a very generic and relatable tragic love story.

" _Oh… Sorry._ "

"It's alright. Not all stories need to be told faithfully, you should know that," she says in a lighter tone, not having expected this reaction.

" _That's a relief, then. I can imagine such a situation… Well, we'll start working on something. You can leave the country at peace, just wanted to tell you before you go that we’re definitely keeping it. If everything goes well, of course._ ”

“Hopefully I return with good news.”

" _You better, we’re counting on you!_ ” He adds, making them both laugh. “ _Also… Im Seyoung… That's the name you want to register it as? Sure you don't want to use your real name?_ "

Would it make a difference for her to use her real name? To her it doesn’t, but to others it might. She kept the same initials as her own reminder of who she is still, just to make it easier. She doesn’t want people to look at her, she just wants people to listen to her music.

Music. That’s what she's always been in for anyways, not for the spotlight that comes with it. Had that been her objective as well, to perform on stage while receiving love and exposure as much for the music as for her personality and multiple unrelated activities, she would have auditioned for entertainment companies, not applied to a music college.

She's not dissing anybody who choose the former path, don't get her wrong, nor does she thinks that other kinds of promotion are useless or unwanted. On the contrary, she has nothing but respect for those who make this decision. It’s an extraordinary life full of exciting opportunities and experiences. She just doesn't want people to admire her for how she behaves on TV shows, more than for the songs themselves. She doesn’t have much of the entertainer streak if she’s being honest, so she prefers that people stick to her music.

When she tried to explain to Bora where she stands in one of their many talks about why Siyeon declined the singer’s efforts to make her audition, the latter was quick to argue she’s being too difficult. How can she expect people to listen to her music if they don’t hear about her? If she remains in the shadows? That’s a tricky question Siyeon still doesn’t have a definite answer to. Singers, or anyone having accessed to stardom, yet set on protecting their private life aren’t unheard of, but how much damage have they received before they took that decision? On a lighter note, her romantic mind is ultimately very fond of cultivating mystery, but Bora’s right. Her conditions are impossible to meet, she has to find a middle ground.

Her path still met the stage, sure, albeit differently. During her time at the conservatoire, then during college events. Now, occasionally performing with friends or offering her services in bars or restaurants in town. She’s cherishes all those times extremely. No one knows who she is then, true - maybe a few regulars at most, but when the audience claps at the end of the performance it warms her heart just the same, because she made them enjoy their time without expectations, a very pure moment of sharing.

And now, she’s submitting one of her self-composed songs for a singer to perform on stage. Isn’t it funny?

She thinks it suits her more.

"For now, a hundred percent sure. It'll be my own 'stage' name."

* * *

Siyeon is comfortably seated in the plane, checking her phone for potential messages and scrolling through social networks one last time before taking off. She’s still not an avid user of those platforms herself, but it’s a nice way to keep up with the people she knows in the music industry. Just like before, there’s nothing personal in there.

She stumbles upon a recent post from Wonpil, a selfie he uploaded earlier this morning. If the picture is nothing special, simply featuring the keyboardist posing with the overused yet always efficient V sign, the caption catches her attention.

‘ _I believe in stories that can sometimes end happily, and I also think that we all have our part of responsibility, so why don’t we care for one another with mindfulness? Please give lots of love to Day6’s new song_ ‘Stop Talking’ _!_ ’

Unconsciously, she finds herself smiling at the subtle reference and hopes Bora’s seen it as well, as it’s clearly a wink to her. Just as she’s about to type a message of encouragement for the group’s comeback, she’s interrupted by someone standing next to her in the aisle.

“Hmmm, excuse me, I think you took my seat,” a woman says calmly, making Siyeon turn her head towards the intruder with curious eyes.

“Are you sure? Because I’m waiting for someone.”

“You are? What does they look like? Maybe I’ve seen them.”

The whole thing is silly, because they’re still in a plane.

“Short, long dark-brown wavy hair, kinda pretty and a decent singer.”

“That’s one troubling description, it almost sounds like me, except for the short part. Maybe she won’t mind if I take her place? You don’t look too bad yourself.”

“I don’t know…” she says with a fake embarrassed tone. She gestures for the woman to lean closer as if she’s going to tell her a secret. “Truth is… She’s my girlfriend and.. she can get very jealous.”

“That’s too bad, because among my many flaws, I’m also a very stubborn person, so I’ll just impose myself before this turns to a roasting session.” That’s what she says but the business class provides largely enough space for her to reach her seat without Siyeon moving. “Now help me put away my luggage.”

“I thought you weren’t short,” she jokes before standing up. She grabs the handle on the top of the suitcase while Bora supports it from below.

“I’m gonna get offended one of these days, you know? I need help because it’s heavy,” she rolls her eyes as they push the small suitcase in the luggage compartment above them. They finally settle into their seats, Bora occupying the one next to the window.

“Took you long enough though, I thought you’d miss the flight,” she says, feeling her hand leaving her lap as Bora proceeded to intertwine their hands together. She instantly relaxes at the touch.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to cause trouble to the other passengers," Bora says with an apologetic smile. “How was your day?”

Siyeon tells her girlfriend about about interesting moments of her day, digresses on school syllabuses and how school seems to be even more pressuring these days and finishes with how excited she was to go on this little getaway together. When she returns the question, Bora shifts to sit with her side on the backrest to face her as much as she actually can, forcing her to withdraw her hand so that she can use her arm as support. Siyeon misses the contact and must have shown it, because Bora quickly grabs her hand with her free one, giving it soft squeezes.

“They tried to convince me to stay,” Bora starts without preamble, but Siyeon knows she’s talking about her contract renewal. “Said it didn’t matter and that my image was strong enough to sustain the blow.” Her voice is controlled, as if all this was a distant and faded past.

“Oh,” she only says. She actually knows already because the idol’s manager gave her a heads-up about the negotiations and the reason for that… needs to remain a secret just for a bit longer, so she feigns surprise. “That’s something, I guess. What did you tell them?”

“What I told you before, that I’m still thinking about it. They talked about my image and all the great things that I could still do, but they never talked about me. I just want to rest. Then they just said they were open to negotiation and to use that time away to get a fresh mind about everything.”

“Then let’s just do that,” she replies heartily.

* * *

All sounds are drowned around her, the ocean providing its calming melodies. It empties her mind and soothes her soul. Being completely engulfed in water almost feels like an out-of-body experience, yet at the same time, she’s in a state of complete self-awareness, her sensations exacerbated to the point it’s all she can focus on. The simplest of movement being amplified by inertia. The bubbles formed by the air she exhales tickling her cheeks. She willingly lets the ebb and flow lull her.

Her heartbeat slows down; time stands still. It doesn't even exist in this world, after all. Human beings were really the greatest idiots to create concepts they would trap themselves in. Maybe that's what they were looking for coming here, someplace where they could let go of everything.

Suddenly, she feels someone grabbing her arm and dragging her to the surface.

“Siyeon, what are you doing?!”

“I- I was just sorting things out.”

“Underwater? Has the heat finally gotten you in the head?”

“Kind of like meditating.”

“Exactly what I was saying, you don’t need to drown yourself to do that.”

It isn't exactly a deserted island, where they would have eloped to, but they decided to spend some holidays in a tropical island, away from the media and thus, from the drama. It is far enough from Asia that no one pays them attention, apart from the hotel staff and only because they're booking an expensive room. The luxury doesn't prevent them to enjoy simpler feats, such as taking walks, swimming in the sea like they're currently doing, dancing freely at night with other inhabitants on the beach, just enjoying time with each other.

“Bla, bla, bla.”

With each syllable, she splashes some water on the older with her hand and soon it turns into a competition of who will make the biggest wave on the other. Bora wins easily by taking momentum right before dropping her weight back in the water.

She’s definitely faring better than a few weeks ago, and Siyeon can’t be happier about the recovery. She distinctly remembers the turning point as the day she was forcefully shaken awake by a hyped up Bora who, high after yet another sleepless night of mulling things over while she was out in dreamland, didn’t have an idea better than straddling her, grabbing her shirt and joggle her to consciousness to share her sudden epiphany. All this, as Siyeon struggled to understand what was happening to her and that no, she wasn’t receiving a beating at dawn.

The return of the loud and borderline violent tendencies, a tell-tale sign of good old Bora rising from the shadows, was initially unnoticed because Siyeon was then too focused on trying to decipher the random onomatopoeias punctuating the singer’s incoherent sentences. She also recalls, despite the positive feelings budding within her and how willing she was to join in the excitement, having looked at the clock on the nightstand and wished that all of that happened an hour later, as that’s approximately the time it took for her to fully emerge, but that’s only a detail.

The sudden upsurge of energy had been short-lived, but Bora did start fending for herself afterwards. She asked for respect and Wonpil did the same on his side, which, if it barely made a difference to others, seemed to have triggered a change at least in her mind.

They stop their improvised battle and opt for a more relaxing water activity, which is floating on their back, linking arms to not stray from each other, as otters apparently do with their paws according to Bora. A less extreme way to get the peace of mind that Siyeon was looking for earlier.

“What are you thinking about?”

Not having much choice, she gazes above at the blue immensity. The sky is so clear Siyeon’s heart swells with something akin to hope at so much purity. Back in Seoul, that’s something you can only see after a downpour. You don’t know when it will happen, but it will, as long as you give it time, and it almost makes you forget how tainted the air was before.

And because she’s also part of the idiotic bunch humans are, time is exactly what this trip gives Siyeon, to think everything through once more and being completely okay with it. What she’s planning to ask the singer is potentially life-changing for herself as well, yet the answer is always the same. It’s either Bora or no one. To Bora, who didn’t have a say over what others decide for her, who suffered from what their eyes dictated she is, Siyeon will give the best choice she can possibly offer. She still hasn’t been able to depart from her romantic mind, mind you.

“How lucky I am to be here with you.”

* * *

“Where are you taking me this time?”

“It’s a surprise,” she replies, swinging their tangled hands as they make their way through the hotel corridors. It’s early in the morning so the room they’re going to is normally closed, if not for Siyeon’s request. They quickly reach the entrance where a staff member is waiting to unlock the door.

“The bar? Don’t you think it’s a bit too early to start on the liquor?”

The room was reasonable in size, but elegantly furnished. The light colors associated to the wide ceiling window gives it a modern look that fits the tropical weather outside.

“You’ll see.”

One look at Bora’s unsuspecting smiling face and it makes her nervous for some reason. She mentally rehearses what she wants to say, wanting to make the moment perfect. There shouldn’t be any reason to, since it wouldn’t be the first time she plays in front of her girlfriend. This time would be when she would be the most vulnerable, however. It wasn’t initially part of her plans, but coming this far, she’ll probably feel a bit sad if the older woman refuses her proposition.

Her eyes lands on the baby grand piano near the corner of the room, on the opposite side of the counter. Her thumb rubs the back of Bora’s hand, bringing it to her lips to leave a gentle kiss. She then resumes leading her towards it. When they’re close enough, she lets go, taking a moment to push an armchair to the side of the instrument, where Siyeon could see while playing. She gestures to the other woman to take a seat, then goes to sit on the stool.

“Private concert? Nice.”

Siyeon retrieves a piece of paper from her pocket, then unfolds it in front of her. She goes over the list of half a dozen items briefly, her eyes stopping at one particular song. She considered removing it, but recalling the phone call she had right before leaving and the positive reaction it received, she kept it.

“Sort of.”

It’s alright, she tells herself one more time. There’s no one she’d give this choice but Bora.

“You’re being so mysterious right now, it’s really making me nervous.”

“Don’t worry, there’s nothing you should be nervous about.”

She clears her throat, stretches her finger one last time, then starts playing. Her voice comes out next, and while she sings, she makes sure to regularly lock eyes with Bora, trying to convey the emotions she felt when she wrote the pieces. She sees the other woman unconsciously leaning forward to focus better and maybe recognize the songs. A cute but vain effort, as Siyeon’s never went even as far as humming them in front of her and soon Bora just leans back to enjoy the show.

It starts light and hopeful, turns to bittersweet and melancholic, ends bruised and haunting. It’s the sea of emotions Siyeon dived in for her, pell mell, raw and honest, praising the highs without filtering the downs. After each song, the piano leaves space to the claps of her single audience and after the last one, the darkest she sung, Bora is gazing down, seemingly lost in thoughts for a minute that feels too long for Siyeon. It makes her wonder if she should just start talking instead as she practically sees the gears turning in the other’s mind.

“I’m sorry. For having made you feel that way.”

As soon as the words leave Bora’s mouth, Siyeon rushes to her side to her side to reassure her, grabbing both her hands and holding them firmly in hers as she kneels down. She raises her head slightly to meet Bora’s eyes.

“Hey, it’s alright, it’s just a song, the tale of a foolish lover who was as much of a coward as the person they felt for. Who was stupid enough to blame them for it when they were doing just the same. Any resemblance to real events or people is- you know how it goes. We’ve already had that discussion. We’re past that.”

Her hand cups Bora’s cheek, letting her thumb caress the soft skin, then grins widely when she feels the woman lean into the touch. 

“I love you and I’m not afraid to tell you anymore.”

Another hand is placed above hers and brings it back to Bora’s lap.

“I love you too. And I’m not afraid either, but will you tell me why you’re suddenly singing your compositions that may or may not be referencing us? Unless you write love songs for someone else and I’m not sure that’s something I want to hear."

She shakes her head no at the ridiculous theory, then, trying to calm the palpitations that quickens in her chest, she takes a large breath. No turning back from there.

“Bora.”

Her tone might have come off as too solemn, seeing how her girlfriend nervously halts her with a sign of the hand, preventing Siyeon from starting the second part she prepared.

“Siyeon, wait. Just… Do you really need to put one knee down to say whatever you want to say?”

"No, why?"

“Nothing,” she looks down briefly, then dismisses by another wave from her hand. “Do continue, please. I won’t interrupt anymore.”

Hold on. Bora sounds a bit embarrassed, almost shy, her cheeks and ears are tinted with red and with the natural light falling on her through the ceiling, she does look absolutely beautiful. While on her part, she's just sung love songs that she wrote, now being on one knee and sharing a deep and meaningful moment.

“Oh.”

It does look like… 

"No no no, not at all, no,” she panics, eyes widening and dropping her second knee to the ground. If a tiny part of her mind, the realistic one that’s usually overpowered by the romantic one, was finding already stupid enough to make a big deal out of this proposition, this new posture is just making it worse.

"Wow, okay. If you take it like that," Bora says dramatically.

“Bora, I’m trying to tell you something important there,” she whines. “Just listen to me, please.”

“Sorry.”

“How did you find the songs?” she asks more seriously, to prevent Bora from stalling for time for no reason.

“Beautiful, I didn’t know you wrote so many.”

“I had more time to give, and I guess I had a great source of inspiration. And you’re right, there’s a reason I’m singing this to you, without even you asking,” she chuckles.

“Bora, you’ve told me countless times how much you liked my music. I don’t know if I’m meant for the spotlight, too much attention scares me. I don’t need public fame to be successful. As long as my students and peers know my abilities, that’s enough; I do what I love and I can be by your side. But if there’s one thing I’m sure of, you are. The way you shine when you’re on stage, when you take in the atmosphere of your fans cheering for you, when you effortlessly reach a note you were so worried you wouldn’t be able to… When you were dancing the other night… Even right now when you were listening to me. That’s where you belong, my eyes don’t deceive me.”

She smiles at the recollections, warmth filling her chest when Bora’s expression mirrors her.

“You can’t forget the past, you can’t erase rumors but remember when they used to make you stronger? When you took pride in ignoring them? You are SuA, you don’t have to play any games to do music. Not anymore. You can do whatever you want. You don’t owe them anything after they’ve used you like this.”

Knowing Bora hesitates so much over her contract comforts her idea that maybe it’s not meant to be, that for once she can choose.

“You can make your own rules and have music be music again. I know it’s a different thing to like a song and want to sing them, but... if you’ll have them, I’m giving you my songs.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was probably about time I posted it here :')  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/holdmymilktea)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/holdmymilktea)


	3. J'ai vu

“So, you’re leaving?”

Word travels fast, as it always does, but given that she’s said it to a few colleagues already, the question isn’t really surprising. Or maybe Bora simply told him. Not that it makes a difference, it’s no secret.

“I am,” Siyeon just says, returning the smile the man gives her, with an enthusiasm she can’t hide now that she’s finally come to terms with her decision. Feeling that you were making the right choice was both liberating and empowering.

“The company will miss you greatly. It’s such a shame that people can’t keep their stupid mouths shut about things they don’t know anything about… They don’t realize how much our artists improve with you.” He regrets, without an ounce of falseness, looking around. “Do you have time for coffee? I’d like to talk to you about something.”

Even though they’re technically colleagues, Siyeon wouldn’t exactly say she’s close with Bora’s manager. Over the years she’s spent at the company however, they obviously ended up meeting several times, the singer always being their main subject of discussion. Nothing ever remotely personal. She knows him as invested and professional and Bora holds him in high esteem, always praising his life ethics that translate into his work.

It must be important enough that they go to a coffee shop outside and not the one on the ground floor of the company building. When they enter the place, he makes sure there’s no one familiar, confirming her assumptions that their conversation must remain private.

“As you probably know, Bora’s contract will expire next year,” he starts in a quiet voice, leaning on his elbows so that she can still hear him clearly. Siyeon nods in agreement as she recalls her girlfriend mentioning it. “And I don’t know if she’s told you more than to me, but she’s unclear about her intentions.”

“Not really. She just said she’ll keep it in mind, and wait for the company comes forward with the negotiations. She’s still kind of lost after everything…” she says calmly, taking her mug between both her hands and enjoying the warmth that instantly spreads through her skin. “It’s a bit of a touchy subject. Why are you asking?”

“Well, I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. It was just an idea at first, but it’s getting more concrete now. Can you hear me out?”

He starts by telling her about himself, more specifically, his career in the entertainment industry. How he got there rather randomly, the excess he’s seen either from companies, staff but also from fans, how he’s also lived through the hardships of groups he’s managed, as far as being targeted by sasaengs himself. Yet, despite all that, he still enjoys what he does, sharing the burden in the shadows and ensuring things work out smoothly to let the magic begin.

Siyeon isn’t sure she’s completely following where he’s coming from, so she just listens, occasionally nodding in acknowledgement. The account isn’t any less interesting, showing that artists, depending on the company they were under, aren’t on equal footing in terms of management and that, played a lot in the way they can deal with the pressure they receive. However, that’s not something she’s foreign to either.

“But I’ll be honest with you, seeing all this made me feel both appalled and more ambitious as time went by, that what I was doing was not enough. And with what happened with Bora, I still felt so helpless."

Her ears perk up at the mention of her girlfriend’s name. His words are measured, but she can hear the frustration passing through. His hand unconsciously balls to a fist for a short instant. It’s the confirmation that everything she’s heard about him, beyond her own impression, is true. He genuinely cares for his job and the people he works with.

“Anyway.” Laying both his palms flat on the table allows him to regain complete control, his voice more serene already. “I’ve already talked too much, you must be wondering why I’m telling you all this,” he chuckles.

“I admit I’ve been wondering.”

“I want to create my own agency. There’s only so much I can do here, but as I said, it doesn’t feel like it’s enough. I’ve finally found investors actually, and currently trying to convince some staff to start with, so I’ll be leaving as well in the future. I don’t know about your plans after leaving the company, but would you be interested in joining mine? When it’s established, of course.”

Needless to say, she’s surprised, her jaw slightly dropping at the unexpected announcement and offer. Her mind goes to the possible implications, trying to connect the dots from their previous conversation.

“You’re waiting for her contract to end,” she says as if it’s the most logical thing in the world. That’s actually considerate, but there must be something else. “Does Bora know about this?”

“Not yet. I may have joked about it, but nothing serious; I wanted to talk to you first. You can think about the vocal trainer position later, no need to answer me right away...” He tilts his head to the side, looking down at his drink as Siyeon waits for him to continue. “Bora talks a lot about you, you know?”

Like a mechanism of defense, she wants to jolt back, which is certainly the most stupid thing to do when you want to be subtle at something, but instead, her body reacts on its own and tenses. “That’s-”

“It’s alright. I’ve known for a long time. I’m happy you managed to find your way to each other.” Of course, he would know. He’s probably the person Bora spends most of her time with when she has schedules, and Siyeon has to admit that with no trace of jealousy whatsoever, so of course, he would know. It’s silly to have even thought otherwise. She crosses her arms in attempt to hide her embarrassment and doesn’t even notice her leg has started going up and down mechanically.

“She’s told me once that you compose,” he says very delicately, carefully like he doesn’t want to startle her again, “but that you’ve never tried to have the company listen to your work.”

“It’s mostly a hobby,” she explains modestly, hoping for it to be a satisfying reply, because it’s rarely more than that. Like people draw, write or play an instrument in their spare time, it’s a way of relaxing while expressing herself. In other extreme cases, like it occurred recently, it’s cathartic and she can only fear what would have become of her outbursts of emotions if she didn’t deal with them that way.

“She’s convinced otherwise, and I put blind trust in her judgement. Have you ever thought about... composing for someone else? I’m really sorry, she does talk about you a lot and from other things she’s shared, I feel that might suit you better.”

Bora is a talkative person indeed and Siyeon is starting to feel shy from how much the man seems to know about her, when they have barely interacted in person. However, as he’s also told more about his life earlier, probably with that purpose in mind, she now realizes, the exchange is thankfully fairer.

“I don’t compose with money in mind…”

For the same reasons stated previously, it’s a pastime that is never meant to reach a professional level. Probing further for a deeper rationale, a part of her finds that what she comes up with is too personal to be given to someone else, to the point the thought has never really crossed her mind. Except...

In front of her, Manager Kim uses the blank in their conversation to take sips from his coffee. She is quickly interrupted in her introspection by the blunt sound of the cup hitting the table.

“I’m not saying you should, but by somebody, I don’t mean anybody, just to be clear. I will offer Bora to join as well, just as I will tell her that she can set up a company of her own or go to another, just as long as she leaves this toxic environment. We can look into it together. Would you also be interested in that?”

* * *

“...if you’ll have them, I’m giving you my songs.”

Siyeon finishes her heartfelt speech and Bora’s eyes widen, still trying to register everything she’s just heard. 

The proposal isn’t what she expected and despite her girlfriend liking this kind of shamelessly romantic gestures, she got easily fooled. Nonetheless, she concedes, it’s still too early for them to be considering the question and can only blame the comical misunderstanding on herself. After fantasizing on possible futures for so long, she wants to enjoy the present first.

Although, for someone who constantly says they’re bad at Korean, Siyeon sure is gifted with her words. Siyeon, who has always refused to put her music out for the world to listen to, is offering to write for her? It’s making her feel so many things, it can’t be good for her heart. Like a whirlwind, it gets all mixed up when it reaches her brain, leaving only silence to speak out.

“I don’t know what to say…” she manages after a while, still in a daze and blinking repeatedly after coming to her senses, not wanting to make Siyeon panic at her lack of apparent reaction.

While falling short on words, an irrepressible urge to feel close to the other woman rises in her. She lets go of her hand in hers, drapes her arms behind her neck then leans for a hug. “Thank you,” she mumbles, her face hidden in Siyeon’s neck, more as a general appreciation of everything the other woman has done for her than this precise occurrence. The contact is still not enough, so she gets up, pulling Siyeon with her in the process. Only when she brings their bodies together does it feel completely right.

“It’s alright... Just think about it...”

Siyeon’s voice is soft when she returns her embrace and drops her head. She can’t see her face, but her body starts trembling, followed by muffled whimpers.

“Are you crying?”

“I don’t know!” the taller chokes on a sob, yet laughs at the same time, like she can’t believe it herself. “It’s just too much.”

Bora straightens her posture a bit to leave soothing kisses on her girlfriend’s temple before caressing her hair, wanting to convey that she’s here for her as well. When she needed her the most, Siyeon didn’t leave, and she never broke down. Now it’s her turn to be strong. She truly doesn't know what she'd do without her, or where she'd be.

“It's okay, it’s been hard for you too. You’ve done great.”

* * *

If she were to name it, she would probably call this ‘ _How to deal with your rumors that are actually true but even if it causes harm to no one you’re not exactly in a place where you can have people believe it, are you? 101, an introductory course by professor Kim Bora_ ’. The flashy title is a bit long and defies her very own definition of efficiency, but at least it’s easy to look it up on the internet without it being mistaken for a similar title. Here is an excerpt of the work in progress.

Ignore.

She agrees this first step is probably the most difficult one, but that only means the rest will be all the more easier in comparison, so you should definitely not be giving up already. It takes a lot of time and strength, yet is an absolutely necessary starting point.

Privately, mend your broken soul, something that Bora managed to do thanks to the support of her closed ones and especially from one particular vocal trainer she is, remember, totally not affiliated to. She can’t exactly give advice on this, except that that it requires acceptance. Not the kind that means she complies with it, but the acceptance of a revolute past, acceptance that she’s been hurt profoundly, so that she can put it all at the back of her mind in a tightly-sealed box and live without thinking about it constantly.

“How have you been SuA? We haven’t heard of you in a long time!” The host finally asks her, after introducing all the guests.

“I’ve been doing great. It feels like an eternity for me as well!” she exclaims. “I’ve been working very hard on a comeback, that’s why I haven’t been able to appear as much as I’d like,” she continues, apologetic, “but that concern is now gone, thank you for having me on today’s show.”

Publicly, deny or don’t address and in some cases, divert the conversation. Work around the rules, bend them without breaking them. Sometimes, giving appropriate answers to questions can be overrated.

In an ideal world, she wouldn’t have to hide. Unfortunately, harassment is already too frequent in hers to drag Siyeon in it by revealing themselves. She can’t risk their safety if it ever escalated to more. If secrecy is what it takes to be at peace, then secrecy it is.

And for that reason, while her occupation demands that she shares a lot of her personal life, the public doesn’t need to know everything. When the time is right still, to ease the worries of her best-intentioned supporters, she may reveal that someone does hold a special spot in her heart, nothing more.

Admit.

“As always, idols are busy, aren’t they?” The man nods vigorously at his own reply. “Anything you can share with us?”

You need to give something to make up for your silence, it’s an implicit part of the deal. And what’s better than humor to do so? Making people laugh as a singer can be difficult, but as an idol, Bora is given many opportunities she can seize.

Show appearances that don’t necessarily relate to her music, apart from a ten-second snippet or on good days, dance or singing segments, provide a much better place to reach the public eye. Talks shows, like the one she’s currently recording, are the best to tackle subjects without appearing too serious. Who would really care for her qualms in there anyway.

“The project I’m working on is still secret so I’m afraid I can’t say much,” she says pouting, making her look slightly frustrated. She relaxes her features suddenly, like she just thought of something. “But actually, I have something very important to confess.” At the short break, the host urges her to continue, already fidgeting in his seat with impatience. “You may have heard a lot of things about me lately, but they were not correct. I’m in a very committed relationship…”

She deliberately pauses to create a suspense the producers will happily play with when editing to make it seem dramatic, the other guests participating with the standard exaggeratedly surprised expressions, eyes going wide and their mouth agape. She laughs internally at the final result, the double meaning of her words known to only a few.

“With my fans,” she finally lets out with the warmest smile she can give. The table erupts in exclamations of sympathy at the sweet declaration. She quickly spots the red dot of the recording camera focusing on her then looks directly at the lense. “Dear fans, I’m sorry to keep you waiting but it’ll be worth it, I promise.”

Educate.

It’s miles away from her natural expressive and energetic personality but in her position, slapping people into common sense or shoving morals in their face may have more of the opposite effect than intended. No one likes to hear they’re in the wrong, much like no one likes to hear someone doesn’t like you, whatever the reason is.

She’s thought about it for a long time, she may not recognize who the person in the pictures is, but undeniably, SuA is still a part of her. And Bora doesn’t want SuA to surrender to silence and indifference. So, to reach those who are willing to listen, elegance is a necessity.

“Hello, this is SuA. I hope you’re all doing well and staying warm despite the cold weather. I’m turning the live on tonight because I’ve been reflecting a lot these days.”

Lives on her socials are the most accessible means for an in-depths talk, with the restricted audience of her fans and seldomly, die-hard antis she, referring to the first step, ignores. The lack of diversity thus induced is great for getting a message across despite quickly hitting the wall for a larger communication operation. She’s not going to changing the world overnight, but if at least someone hears her words, it’s a good start.

“Things I’ve said in the past were used against me as an aggravating factor, and I’ve been disappointed to see that. However, I won’t go back on my words. Idols, like everyone else, are human beings living in a complicated world, but apparently to some people this status of mine separates me from others. The result is that we are sometimes called out for things no one would bat an eyelash for, would it be anyone else. I’m not perfect and sometimes I make mistakes, but because of that, I can’t help but understand others who are set apart and for whom the world may feel even more difficult. I’m not the first nor sadly will be the last to be under fire for expressing their opinion, that’s why it’s always delicate to talk about this, but hmm... Yeah. It’s not because we don’t understand something, that we must say it’s wrong. It’s never okay to hurt people. We’re better than that. Let’s be kind to one another, okay?”

Step by step.

“I’m sorry, this may not be very clear but you know what I’m talking about, right? I’m sure you know.”

Carry on.

* * *

“Wouldn’t it be better if you didn’t turn to me too much?” Siyeon says out of the blue, letting her hand holding her phone fall back in her lap. Her eyebrows are curved upwards in perplexity at the thought of attracting attention her way. “I’m not going anywhere. You can just cue with your hand, I’ll see it.”

“That was just for rehearsal. I can hold back.”

“Says the one who’s been all over me all day long.” She relaxes, rolling her eyes at the absurd affirmation. Since this morning, Bora hasn’t let go of her, be it just standing with her, poking at her for attention or outright sprawling on her back when she made the mistake of crouching to tie her shoes. The only exceptions so far have been what required full professional focus — discussing details for lightning and sound check, rehearsals, where the singer had to actually be on stage with her mic, a few other moments where she recorded a sort of video log, and even in those Siyeon was still somewhat around. “I wonder what’s your definition of holding back.”

Even now, seated next to each other in a waiting room, the older woman is leaning against her shoulder and has taken her arm hostage to play with her hand, leaving her to scroll mindlessly on her phone with the other. Despite her initial protest, Siyeon gave up and simply enjoys the contact.

“I’m charging up,” Bora justifies unbothered and she feels her shift her head. “If you’re that curious, I’ll show you later what it’s like when I’m not holding back.” She doesn’t need to turn to her to picture the mischievous expression the singer must sport. “Or we can make a quick stop at the restroom now,” she adds in a seductive whisper that tickles her ear.

Ignoring the mental images popping up in her mind, Siyeon raises her gaze from the screen and scans the space around them.

“Although it’s a very tempting offer, it also sounds like a terrible idea.” The waiting room is getting slightly busier with the arrival of the make-up artist and the stylist, signaling that it’s soon time to get ready. Not the best of times to disappear and have some fun.

"Just kidding. Or not. Who knows."

“Bora, is it really okay for us to be like this though?” she asks second-guessing their position, though not really making an effort to move either and instead tilts her head to have it rest against Bora’s.

“I think so. You’re here as my emotional support, long-time friend and as an essential part of tonight’s show! And our dear director put a lot of care into choosing people sharing his values. Wouldn’t it be weirder if I changed the way I behave? There’s nothing to assume, and if our staff do, they’ll take it to the grave.” Her voice gets more agitated. “Have you felt anything wrong? Should I have people kicked out? If you tell me, I-”

“No, nothing like that…”

Siyeon doesn’t spend as much time at the company as she did the previous one, but even while being spotted with the idol several times there, the judging stares and gossip never came. While on their part, they make sure to remain at a not too suspicious level of closeness, maybe being in a smaller organization participate. Is it that people there spend more time talking with each other and less about others? “I guess asserting yourself as a clingy person did help too,” she offers as a way to lighten up the mood, sensing she’s the only one worrying.

“Hey!” Bora lands playful jabs at her side. “I think I’m very reasonable when the venue management is around, aren’t I?”

“By clinging onto other people? Sure. I bet if you were in a group, your members wouldn’t be able to handle you.”

“It’s all part of the strategy,” she jokes. “And they wouldn’t have a choice, I’ll bug them until they accept my overflowing love. But if you were in that group too, you’d be my favorite target. It’s always so fun to see you squirming or trying to escape your fate when there are people around. Shy Siyeon.”

To which she’d like to answer that at least one of them should put some distance, but she secretly enjoys it too much to tell her to stop and to some extent, she knows Bora is indeed restraining herself compared to what she must imagine their fictional joint idol life to look like. Even though it’ll never happen, for sure there would be a lot less wondering about who was around and what for.

A part of her feels bad to not be returning the demonstrations of affection with the same fervor, but feeling entirely comfortable in public has become difficult for her, even in a supposedly safe environment. She tries, playing it cool most of the time, but things have definitely changed. It’ll take her more time to grasp what her boundaries are.

Bora, on the contrary, seems to have them figured out. The singer lifts her trapped arm and brings her it toward her head, using her hand to cutely give herself pats and caresses on the hair. Either that, or she counts on Siyeon to stop her if she goes too far. She hopes it's the former.

“Ah…” She tries to think of a comeback, not liking the rising heat in her cheeks. “Don’t you think you’d be the one who wouldn’t be able to handle me, then? You always make that cute dumbfounded face whenever I’m the one initiating something.”

Funnily enough, it takes Bora a second too long to answer.

“I do not!”

“You’ve done it again.”

“Well maybe,” the singer groans. “I guess we’d make it a competition or something.”

The stylist eventually approaches them to tell them their idle time is up. She cooly retrieves control over her trapped arm and gets up to go change, but not without giving another pat on the head of her now pouting girlfriend.

* * *

Siyeon’s get up is much simpler, so inevitably, she’s already done with it when Bora is only getting her hair fixed. She doesn’t want to be in the way so exits silently, making a sign to Bora through the mirror. After making sure she isn’t needed elsewhere, she retires to a smaller waiting room with an electronic keyboard. Perfect to relax.

Is there a better way to fight your nerves than playing your favorite pieces? Surely, none that could be more appropriate at the moment, she thinks. Notes comes naturally, creating a tranquil and contemplative mood in which she easily finds peace, yet with some flights of higher notes letting passion come through.

She’s so absorbed in the music, that she doesn’t even notice that the glimpse of red by the door she catches from the corner of her eyes is actually a person.

“Hate to interrupt, but...” she hears Bora say softly. She only gives the older woman a hum of acknowledgement, still focused on her playing. “It’s almost time.”

Turning her head to give her girlfriend a smile may have been a bad idea because as silly as it sounds, as soon as she sees her, she forgets how to play and her hand slips. She cringes as she hits the wrong keys, what’s just happened sinking in. The singer bursts out in laughter at the obvious reaction to her appearance, the peaceful atmosphere of seconds ago long forgotten. She’s holding her stomach and even wiping an imaginary tear for good measure.

“Haha, Siyeon! You should take your own words for advice and not turn to me! I’ll cue with my voice, we definitely can’t have that happening later!” She manages to calm down after a while, resting against the door she’s just closed. “How do I look?” She quickly turns around, making the fabric of her dress flow with the movement. “Good? If I’m judging from your jaw dropping to the floor.”

Her arched eyebrows and the smug grin she wears just perfectly completes the boasting tone of her words. She can, though; she’s never looked that good. Siyeon closes her indeed parted lips and collects herself.

“I take back what I’ve said earlier, turn as much as you want so I can admire you. You’re beautiful.”

“Just us two and charming Siyeon comes back running. Not that I’m complaining, I like her a lot,” she chuckles. “What happened to being suspicious to fans?”

Siyeon gets up, shaking her head. “They will be captivated by you so much they won’t pay any attention to me. That’s how the spotlight works, it eclipses everything else, including me. And you,” she plants a kiss on the crown of her head, “are so resplendent you won’t even need the light to take their breath away.”

“Smooth.” Bora snorts, placing her hand over her heart. “I think my heart stopped for a second.”

“As long as it keeps beating, preferably for me, I think it’s alright.” At that, she sees the singer’s smiling expression turn to a bittersweet one, making her instantly drop the playful act as well. “Bora, is there something wrong?”

“It’s just. You know, Siyeon…” Bora hesitates. She rubs her arm while she thinks of her words, casting her eyes down briefly while she does so. Before Siyeon can say anything, Bora looks back up. Her eyes carry so much fondness that her encouragements die in her throat. It looks like she’s searching for something, so she makes sure to return the stare with the same intensity, silently inviting her to speak freely. Bora eventually makes up her mind, placing her hands on her shoulders and smiles again.

“Out of all the people who will have their eyes on me tonight…” she starts, her gaze never straying, “yours will always be the one that makes my heart beat the fastest. And even though we’ll have our back turned to each other, mine are just for you. Not just tonight but all the time... And if you ever doubt it, look into my eyes and tell me, so that I can ease your worries.”

When she’s done, she takes a step back, sighing. “I’m really not good at saying things like that out loud, but I really wanted you to know.”

They certainly will have to let go past the door, but Siyeon gladly takes the hand Bora extends to her anyway.

“Let’s go?”

* * *

The piano behind her delivers soft harmonies, filling the concert room with an intimate and delicate atmosphere. She’s standing in front of the mic, but this time, unlike rehearsals, there is attendance. The light from the spotlights finally hits her, warming up her body, only leaving the show to begin.

"Hello everyone, this is Queen SuA,” she greets with her signature sultry voice. “How are you tonight?” The small crowd shouts cheers and randoms ‘We’re okay!’ and other comforting replies, making her smile wider before gazing affectionately at the faces she can make out in the first rows. “I’ve missed you so much. Did you miss me? It's been a long time since I've been on stage so I'm really nervous. And since it's been a long time, I’ve thought about doing something special for you and for me, so it makes me even more nervous. You probably can see why," she laughs.

The venue is way smaller than where she performed her most recent concerts, even smaller than usual fansites venues, but it’s entirely by choice. When she says she wants to do something special, she means it. She wants this night to be symbolic, by letting her fans listen to the original, acoustic versions of her future releases, along with arrangements of her most popular hits, courtesy of her now favorite songwriter. To leave behind all the drama she’s lived through a year ago, and also for Siyeon to hear reactions to her work live.

“I know it was on very short notice, so thank you for coming.”

Besides, who knows if Siyeon will ever agree to come on stage with her again?

Among all the scenarios she'd made in her mind back then, none came close to this one. Them on stage, even if it’s for one night, together. Siyeon at the piano and her singing. She honestly can’t think of a better one, considering everything that’s happened.

"As announced previously, you cannot record or take pictures tonight, because there is a secret we need to keep for now, but don’t worry, the staff is taking care of it. Just enjoy the concert, okay?” She turns briefly to Siyeon behind her, to signal her the start of the next song,

They look at each other with love and tenderness, but no one has to know what it is exactly between them.

She focuses again on the public.

“Tonight, just. Look. At. Me.”

* * *

_‘Solo singer SuA announces comeback with a surprise special concert for her fans’_

**Author's Note:**

> As it was really longer and different from what I wrote before, I was very nervous about this story, so any form of feedback, positive or negative, is welcome :)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/holdmymilktea)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/holdmymilktea)
> 
> Also, since this fic was song-inspired, I've made a [spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0jmw9uQMBrCxU5nUnORV2d?si=Jg6iDF89Tc-mPXOfBzKLXA) with the songs the chapters are titled from, as well as some other pieces I listen to when writing that set the atmosphere. You can get more info about it on AFF if you're interested.
> 
> See you!


End file.
